My Lonely Journey.

I know it's for a reason. I know God's promises to His children are 'Yes' and 'Amen'. I have faith for my closest friends who are walking through life as a single (not married). Once again, I'm fighting off my fears of never being married and having a family. It's something I've dreamed about as long as I can remember. My ex-husband pretty much robbed me of that in my mid-to-late twenties. But, hey, the marriage was anything but happy and healthy....so I am grateful that God worked out the situation for my good: No children with a man I really wanted to move on from after all of the hurt he afflicted upon my heart (as well as upon the hearts of those who love me) and life. His divorcing me seems like so many chapters ago. Almost surreal to think about that time in my life now.

I'd like to think I trust God. I'd like to think that after all of the battles He's fought for me and won that I'd be able align my head with my heart and trust Him with everything that I am. I guess I'm admitting that my trust in His promises for me in this one area is hugely marred. Singleness. I read about and know dozens of real-life stories about people who have waited for their spouse and have not been found wanting. My story could be heard by others one day and bring hope, right??

I am especially overjoyed for both of my brothers. My eldest brother just got engaged this week; my second eldest brother just recently welcomed his first child into the world, only 22 days ago. She's beautiful and such a miracle baby! Maybe it's all of this, coupled with the fact that it's the Christmas season, that makes the realization of my single hood all the more raw to my heart. I want to be on someones mind. Is that selfish? Maybe. But, I'm just being honest.

I was dating someone who travels a lot for work. We made the decision this morning to take a step back and just be friends until he is home ported back here at home once more. Distance would inevitably take a toll on a new relationship. His name has been on the waiting list for quite some time....so there's no telling when this could occur.

I appreciate that: "Everything happens for a reason," and that, "It's in God's timing." Believe me, that seems to be my mantra. This isn't necessarily a 'woe is me' or a pity-party. It's just that my heart is screaming out for something real to come before I completely give up or bitterness consumes me.

I'm just tired of being let down. It's like my own personal hell. Frankly, maybe it would be easier if I just acted like it didn't bother me so much. Then I could live without expectation of finding the man God has for me, and I won't be disillusioned into thinking that he's just 'right around the corner,' as everyone loves to tell me.

Praying for peace. Praying for grace. Praying my patience doesn't give way to despondency. That would be a new hell all in itself.

Community.

What a great month this has been! October is usually a month I dread because I know that the winter season is just around the corner. I get the wonderful opportunity (hint of sarcasm added) to get up at 5:30 a.m. to take my dog outside and lately I've had to throw on an extra layer of clothing to keep warm. I believe it was Monday morning that I saw my breath for the first time in months. At any rate, I was thinking about where I was this time last year...I was still in Harrisburg, preparing to get out of the Navy after what seemed like a lifetime of service. I was keeping busy seeing friends that I probably wouldn't see again for a long time.

My first year in Indy...how I've been blessed! Within one week of being in a new city, I was plugged into a church and small group that has grown into two small groups now. I've made friendships here that will last a lifetime..I couldn't imagine my life without many of the people I've grown to love in just a few month's time. Community is so important in growing as a believer in Christ. There are some days I know I wouldn't be able to make it if I didn't have others around me. Yes, God is such an integral part of my life, but He also blesses us with people who are willing to come alongside us and lift us up when we need them. It hasn't always been that way...

I didn't realize how I'd secluded myself from people when I was living in Harrisburg. I was separated from my ex-husband and was a new Christian. I was so hungry to get into the Word of God that I spent most of my time at home, work, or church, and didn't leave any time for much else. Within a month of giving my heart to Christ, I stopped going to bars and drinking. I had absolutely no desire to. It was like I'd been on a pendulum that had swung extremely to one side. I know now that God was preparing me for the time in July of 2006 when my divorce would become final. I have faith that one day I'll know why God allowed me to go through such heartache. I knew he was at bars, had different girlfriends, and even lived with several different women over the course of 2 1/2 years. I think God wanted me to be alone then. I was dependent upon no one but Him. I had friends from church and through the ministry I was involved in, Club Impact II (for At-risk youth), and we did do things together, but for nearly ten months I felt a deep sense of loneliness. I was able to be involved in many outreach programs and was able to go on missions trips. Gradually, through reaching out to others, I found that I was fulfilled on an even deeper level. My ex would try to tear me down emotionally and psychologically in the way he spoke to me, but nothing he said or did was able to keep me from loving him and seeing him through Jesus' eyes. It took awhile, but it did happen.

I'm reminded of a piece of Scripture from Isaiah 40:31 that reads, "Those that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint." I think about how God took me through a valley of loneliness and helped me face my deepest fears (never being loved by anyone) and has turned that sorrow into joy by giving me great relationships with wonderful people through small group, church, and work. Jesus works in such amazing ways in and through close-knit communities that have a heart for Him, and here I've most definitely found one. I am challenged each day to become a better woman and follower of Christ because of them.

I'll write more tomorrow when I have some free time...there's still more to say but it's almost time to leave..:) thanks for reading.