Restless.

Um. Sooo I really don't like my job. I hate crunching numbers. I hate accounting. I like the people I work with but I just do not want to stay here any longer than I have to. I feel like it's sucking the life out of me. My dream job is still a Master's degree away. Please, please God help me stick it out. I may just start looking for something else. I've been here for 3 years. I've put in time, have learned a lot and have been stretched outside of my comfort zone. I'm grateful to even have a job, I fully and wholeheartedly acknowledge that I'm very fortunate and that many would give anything to have a good-paying job with the way things have been in our econonmy.

Not sure if this funk I'm in has anything to do with the way I've been feeling since the wreck. I'm more irritable, having a harder time sleeping and staying asleep at night, and the first two weeks following the accident, I did nothing but cry and want to sleep. Can anyone relate? Is it all just in my mind or is this just a phase...or what?? Is God trying to get my attention to tell me it's time for a new chapter to begin? Feeling restless isn't always a fun feeling. I'd rather be anything but restless! On Sunday evening as I was driving to Kinko's, I just had to scream in my car. I'm sure I probably sounded like a lunatic.

The accident has caused me to take a good, long look at everything in my life. What things can I change? What can I not change and only need to trust God to change it? So many questions. I'm aware of my need to pray for wisdom, of which I've been doing for as long as I can remember. I'm aware of my need to be joyful, because I'm saved by grace through faith. I desire to live out II Corinthians 12:9 which reads, "My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness." Regardless of my questions, my restlessness, my hurt, my mistakes, I (we) serve a good and gracious God. He won't fail me (us).

So. My first step: Call on Him. Second: Trust His leading. And, most importantly, move forward with a thankful heart, for He does not make mistakes.

My Lonely Journey.

I know it's for a reason. I know God's promises to His children are 'Yes' and 'Amen'. I have faith for my closest friends who are walking through life as a single (not married). Once again, I'm fighting off my fears of never being married and having a family. It's something I've dreamed about as long as I can remember. My ex-husband pretty much robbed me of that in my mid-to-late twenties. But, hey, the marriage was anything but happy and healthy....so I am grateful that God worked out the situation for my good: No children with a man I really wanted to move on from after all of the hurt he afflicted upon my heart (as well as upon the hearts of those who love me) and life. His divorcing me seems like so many chapters ago. Almost surreal to think about that time in my life now.

I'd like to think I trust God. I'd like to think that after all of the battles He's fought for me and won that I'd be able align my head with my heart and trust Him with everything that I am. I guess I'm admitting that my trust in His promises for me in this one area is hugely marred. Singleness. I read about and know dozens of real-life stories about people who have waited for their spouse and have not been found wanting. My story could be heard by others one day and bring hope, right??

I am especially overjoyed for both of my brothers. My eldest brother just got engaged this week; my second eldest brother just recently welcomed his first child into the world, only 22 days ago. She's beautiful and such a miracle baby! Maybe it's all of this, coupled with the fact that it's the Christmas season, that makes the realization of my single hood all the more raw to my heart. I want to be on someones mind. Is that selfish? Maybe. But, I'm just being honest.

I was dating someone who travels a lot for work. We made the decision this morning to take a step back and just be friends until he is home ported back here at home once more. Distance would inevitably take a toll on a new relationship. His name has been on the waiting list for quite some time....so there's no telling when this could occur.

I appreciate that: "Everything happens for a reason," and that, "It's in God's timing." Believe me, that seems to be my mantra. This isn't necessarily a 'woe is me' or a pity-party. It's just that my heart is screaming out for something real to come before I completely give up or bitterness consumes me.

I'm just tired of being let down. It's like my own personal hell. Frankly, maybe it would be easier if I just acted like it didn't bother me so much. Then I could live without expectation of finding the man God has for me, and I won't be disillusioned into thinking that he's just 'right around the corner,' as everyone loves to tell me.

Praying for peace. Praying for grace. Praying my patience doesn't give way to despondency. That would be a new hell all in itself.

My Utmost for His Highest- Daily Devotional

Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their masters . . . , so our eyes look to the Lord our God . . . —Psalm 123:2

This verse is a description of total reliance on God. Just as the eyes of a servant are riveted on his master, our eyes should be directed to and focused on God. This is how knowledge of His countenance is gained and how God reveals Himself to us (seeIsaiah 53:1 ). Our spiritual strength begins to be drained when we stop lifting our eyes to Him. Our stamina is sapped, not so much through external troubles surrounding us but through problems in our thinking. We wrongfully think, "I suppose I’ve been stretching myself a little too much, standing too tall and trying to look like God instead of being an ordinary humble person." We have to realize that no effort can be too high.
For example, you came to a crisis in your life, took a stand for God, and even had the witness of the Spirit as a confirmation that what you did was right. But now, maybe weeks or years have gone by, and you are slowly coming to the conclusion— "Well, maybe what I did showed too much pride or was superficial. Was I taking a stand a bit too high for me?" Your "rational" friends come and say, "Don’t be silly. We knew when you first talked about this spiritual awakening that it was a passing impulse, that you couldn’t hold up under the strain. And anyway, God doesn’t expect you to endure." You respond by saying, "Well, I suppose I was expecting too much." That sounds humble to say, but it means that your reliance on God is gone, and you are now relying on worldly opinion. The danger comes when, no longer relying on God, you neglect to focus your eyes on Him. Only when God brings you to a sudden stop will you realize that you have been the loser. Whenever there is a spiritual drain in your life, correct it immediately. Realize that something has been coming between you and God, and change or remove it at once.

This is EXACTLY what I've been facing the past couple of weeks, every since I got back from New York. Other things (i.e. fleshly desires, worldly ways of thinking) have intruded upon my heart...and now I'm in a place of repentance & thankfulness of God's unending mercy and grace. If it weren't for His continual tugging on my heart, I'd continue to be a wayward child instead of a prodigal son. Thankfully He continues to pursue us! II Cor. 12:9 "My grace IS sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness!" Amen & Amen. :)