My Familiar Face

My mind is full of questions
What does it mean?
Am I returning
To everything I once knew
But lost?
Can't control the longing in
My heart
Or can I?
I had dreamed
And dreamed
And longed
Of this time
Hoping it would come
Now that it has
Do I really know
If this is
The best for me?
Would God lead me
Astray?
Crying for wisdom
A time when
Everything in me
Is saying yes
But the voice
Of my past
Says no
Remember
Remember?
Can I stand it again?
Too much to bear
If history repeats
Itself
I cannot trust
My feelings
I can trust God
But has He spoken
And I've just
Missed it?
Give me
A vision, O Lord
For that Familiar Face
What you have
For us
I love him
Or do I?
Speak to my heart
An angel to give
Direction
Stubborn heart
Dwells within me
Will that keep me
From hearing?
Anxiousness.
His familiar face
I ache to see it
I know
His heart is
Longing too
Lord, not my
Will,
But
Yours be done
If it is he,
Then make it
As clear as
The noonday
Please hurry
Before my heart
Explodes

Once heartbroken...now healed.

I wrote this on my Myspace blog on April 12, 2007. Since this is my only blog now, I wanted to remember this entry...it came at a pivotal time in my life when I knew I could move forward with peace and rejoice in the fact that my heart had been made whole again...

Today marks the third year anniversary of the day my world was turned up-side down. I look back and think about the emotions I experienced: hurt; despair; betrayal…the list goes on. I didn't understand why someone who promised to love me could cause me so much pain. A piece of Scripture comes to mind now that I am a follower of Christ: Proverbs 3:5, 6 which says: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight all your paths."

I wasn't a believer then, so I turned all my attention to anything I could to make me feel like I was still wanted, loved, even desirable, instead of trusting the Lord completely. I was even questioning whether my life was worth living anymore. I wanted to close up and shut down. Even when I wanted to cry, I felt like I couldn't; like it was going to tear me apart and I wouldn't be able to stop. The grace that God had afforded me even when I was not walking in His ways is truly remarkable. He had His hand on my life in ways that were so palpable; I can almost see His fingerprint when I look back. I've had many other changes just in the past year, but none as shattering as when my divorce was final. I prayed for him and for our marriage, believing that those prayers were not falling on deaf ears. There's a country song called "Unanswered Prayer" by Garth Brooks. I'm not much of a country-song girl, but that is truly a remarkable way to describe my life at this point. I believe God seen every tear, comforted me and gave me strength, and wanted our marriage to be healed. Why He allowed my ex's heart to remain hard is beyond my comprehension. Maybe I'll never know. Maybe a few years down the road I'll see why. Right now, I must trust Him. Trust that the last four years have not been in vain. That being wounded to the very core of who I am will not be for nothing.

This makes me think of how Jesus suffered. He was betrayed by the very people who promised to be by His side no matter what. Peter was adamant about never denying his Lord…but he did. Can I assume that I will be blessed in this lifetime and get back every second that was spent crying and praying for the man I married to love me? I can assume that. It doesn't mean I will. God's ways are not our ways, and for that I'm thankful. If I could've had my way, my marriage would've been salvaged. But I wouldn't be here in Indy and I wouldn't have met the wonderful people I've met at my last command in Pennsylvania and here in Indy. I suppose I could be bitter. I have every 'right' to be as far as the world is concerned. There are many divorced people who are, right? I know a few. I never wanted to be one. Asking the Lord to help me forgive and let go was possibly the second most important prayer I've ever prayed next to accepting Christ. Who knows if I ever would've accepted Christ had it not been for the heartache I was dealing with? Now I know I can rest in the assurance that Christ is my vindicator, and though I don't wish any harm or hurt upon my ex-husband, I hope that through my witness and character he will one day accept forgiveness by a God who is so patient and kind. If I had to go through a painful separation and divorce for one person to know the Lord…I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was worth it. Jesus endured an even greater pain, and look at how God exalted Him.

I can only pray that my life would emulate His; that through my heartache, God would be glorified, and that others will see Him in me instead of a scorned and bitter woman.

Please understand..

It's not that we can't be friends. We can. But...I will not allow you to be manipulative anymore. I can't understand why you would think I only loved you for the 'two years' when we weren't separated. I'm not quite sure if you said it to get a reaction, or if you truly believe it. I've prayed for years for us to become friends and for God to remove any bitterness, resentment, and hurt from my heart. He's done that. This in and of itself is 'proof' that God showed me how to truly love someone; that it was real and not fabricated. It wasn't based on the past..on what had happened between us. It was His love for you being poured out through me. It's almost a surreal feeling when I think about that time in my life. I wouldn't change any of it. It helped me to see how precious marriage is. Being free from anger and unforgiveness is the most beautiful experience...words cannot describe it.

I can't understand why you've become so blinded to the fact that I did everything in my power to listen to God regarding our relationship and not listen to everyone else who told me to give up on you. I did what I knew was in my heart, only by the grace of God! You were antagonistic. Mean-spirited. I felt like the lowest person in the world. It was your choice to divorce me, and when it was all said and done, I knew I could walk away, albeit humbly, with a sense of peace. I still, to this day, struggle with feelings of insecurity and I even find myself comparing myself to other women at times. I know God is continuing to change me in that area. I just pray and hope that one day you'll see that He can and wants to change your heart as well. I do not take prayer lightly or for granted, either. You do have a good heart. I've seen it. But, it has been hidden behind a facade of pride and fear for so long, I think you've chosen to believe you are just 'that way'. You're not. I believe different about you. Even when others don't understand it, especially my family. They were there for me and saw me through the entire separation and divorce. Don't get me wrong, none of them dislike you. They just hurt because I did.

I never wanted to give up on you. I've moved on with my life. Wounds have been healed, and after today, I realize that they could very easily be opened again if I don't allow God to guard my heart where our friendship is concerned.

I want you to know that the person you really are, even in spite of what has happened, is not who you portray to be. I sincerely, with all my heart, want the very best for you. Every person gets a second chance. Without the Lord in my life, this all could've ended up very differently. Thankfully, that was not the case. I hope this is all making sense. I can hardly get my thoughts in order. There's so much I know I'd like to say...hopefully one day it'll all be clearer..