I know it's for a reason. I know God's promises to His children are 'Yes' and 'Amen'. I have faith for my closest friends who are walking through life as a single (not married). Once again, I'm fighting off my fears of never being married and having a family. It's something I've dreamed about as long as I can remember. My ex-husband pretty much robbed me of that in my mid-to-late twenties. But, hey, the marriage was anything but happy and healthy....so I am grateful that God worked out the situation for my good: No children with a man I really wanted to move on from after all of the hurt he afflicted upon my heart (as well as upon the hearts of those who love me) and life. His divorcing me seems like so many chapters ago. Almost surreal to think about that time in my life now.
I'd like to think I trust God. I'd like to think that after all of the battles He's fought for me and won that I'd be able align my head with my heart and trust Him with everything that I am. I guess I'm admitting that my trust in His promises for me in this one area is hugely marred. Singleness. I read about and know dozens of real-life stories about people who have waited for their spouse and have not been found wanting. My story could be heard by others one day and bring hope, right??
I am especially overjoyed for both of my brothers. My eldest brother just got engaged this week; my second eldest brother just recently welcomed his first child into the world, only 22 days ago. She's beautiful and such a miracle baby! Maybe it's all of this, coupled with the fact that it's the Christmas season, that makes the realization of my single hood all the more raw to my heart. I want to be on someones mind. Is that selfish? Maybe. But, I'm just being honest.
I was dating someone who travels a lot for work. We made the decision this morning to take a step back and just be friends until he is home ported back here at home once more. Distance would inevitably take a toll on a new relationship. His name has been on the waiting list for quite some time....so there's no telling when this could occur.
I appreciate that: "Everything happens for a reason," and that, "It's in God's timing." Believe me, that seems to be my mantra. This isn't necessarily a 'woe is me' or a pity-party. It's just that my heart is screaming out for something real to come before I completely give up or bitterness consumes me.
I'm just tired of being let down. It's like my own personal hell. Frankly, maybe it would be easier if I just acted like it didn't bother me so much. Then I could live without expectation of finding the man God has for me, and I won't be disillusioned into thinking that he's just 'right around the corner,' as everyone loves to tell me.
Praying for peace. Praying for grace. Praying my patience doesn't give way to despondency. That would be a new hell all in itself.
6 comments:
I really love how stinkin' REAL you are. I truly can see your heart in this post, hurt and all. I'm sorry for the hurt, and I wish there were something I could say that would make it go away. But I know better.
Determine to be satisfied in Him; you know He is sufficient. If you determine in your mind and will, then your heart will follow. And it may be just what God is waiting for you to do.
Merry Christmas, b*sherrie {hug}
If possible, perhaps you need to focus on serving others, doing wonderful things with your life, and keeping so busy that you do not have time to focus on this deep desire. I feel it may be a lot like those who can not seem to get pregnant. Once they relax and either give up or plan an adoption, it happens.
Don't forget to live life to the fullest every day. Focusing so hard on a desire in the future can rob you of lots of joy today and every day. If it is going to happen (and it does for most), it will come easier when you are not thinking about it all the time.
If it doesn't happen, you do not want to feel you could have done more with your whole life IF you would have just smelled every rose on your own instead of waiting for someone to bring you some roses.
Having said all that, I realize that that is easier said than done. I continue to keep in my prayers that you can be satisfied with and feel joy loving and serving others in your life. I hope you are aware of the joy you bring others already and that you are loved by many....including me!
I wish I had some words of wisdom, some advice, or perhaps a scripture that would comfort and encourage you, but I won't pretend to be wise. All I really have to give are my thoughts and prayers.
I do want to say what I have come to know and believe; that God answers the fervent prayers of a righteous man (or woman), and they are powerful. I'm no righteous man, but I do pray, very
fervently. And I do pray that your hopes and dreams are fulfilled: I have faith they will be. My prayer is God will listen and bring this one sooner rather than later. He does say that if two or more agree on earth, it will be done in Heaven. I know you have much more than two praying for you.
For whats its worth, you were on my mind as I thought I would check into what thoughts might be typed out upon your blog........
What came to mind as I read this post is the many children around the world without a father or mother. I can only image how they feel wanting to be thought of, held, and loved...
We are all God's children we all need love. What your filling is natural, and real. It's perfectly normal. Many of us have been there.
I remember when I was single. I was never really alone, but I always seemed to be lonely...
One day, I remember falling down to my knees crying out and praying for the Lord to send me a wife. I remember praying in very specific detail for the type of woman I wanted to marry. As I prayed I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit come upon me and say, she is right in front of you! I said, what do you mean right in front of me? Who? who Lord who? Debbie?
Debbie was one of many women I was seeing at the time, (I know that doesn't sound good) but only when I drop to my knees and prayed did the Lord open my eyes. I married Debbie and today we have 3 awesome children. Mainly, because my wife is such an awesome woman.
I don't know you, I've never meet you, but I have read your blog for about two years. I've been through some of your high and lows. I've prayed with you and for you through them. In these two years I've know you. It is my conclusion that you are a wonderful beautiful woman a lot like my Debbie and someday, some man will drop to his knees and pray for someone just like you and our God will answer both of your prays. Funny that kind of reminds me of a country song titled, "I thank God for unanswered prayers". I don't know who sings it, but I'm sure you could find it, if you want to listen to the song.
Dana, was right there are other ways to forget about what we don't have, because there are so many people young, old and in-between who are feeling the same way.
Thank you for helping me remember just how blessed I am to be married to my wonderful wife.
I'll leave you with this a wonderful friend of mine wrote this in her blog on day and I will always remember it for the rest of my life... Let me share it with you.
“I don’t rejoice in other people’s struggles or anything, but I rejoice in the fact that I’m not alone in carrying my burdens. I’m uplifted when I know someone is praying specifically re: particular areas in my life, just as they are encouraged knowing I’m praying for them. My heart aches when I see and realize that if I cry when my friends cry, hurt when they hurt, and I’m human… imagine how God responds to us when we’re hurting and we turn to Him for solace. What a revelation that is! Jesus is such a great listener, especially when our mind is racing...late at night.” B.Sherrie
God bless, and God speed... ~Joe~
Would you allow me to re-post this post at PowerUpLove.com?
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