Return to love.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

-I Corinthians 13:4-8

I have a choice. Every day. To return to bitterness and resentment, or to turn to love. Fear of abandonment and 'letting people in' has really taken a toll on my heart. Yes, I have great friends that I can be open and honest with. But, I still have issues in my heart that I still deal with in regards to my family. Yes, I love them. But that wall. That wall still threatens to come and build itself up around my heart and my emotions, not letting in people who I've felt always kept me at arms-length when I was growing up. I fight it almost daily. I know my God can show me how to love and forgive. He's been faithful in doing that with other relationships in my life. I know they have not abandoned me. It's a daily dying-to-self. It hurts. I hate it. But, I know it's necessary. It will take effort, prayer, humility...all of which, let's be honest, take determination and will-power. I cannot give up. If I really believe God is in control, I know that He's working everything [even this pain] out for His glory.

Maybe I'll sit down and write a letter. Get my words and emotions down on paper. It usually seems to help better than trying to find the words in the middle of a conversation. I know this is going to result in a breakthrough. I'm more than ready for one.