Psalm 84

My favorite chapter of the Bible...

1) How lovely is your dwelling place,
O Lord Almighty!
2) My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the Living God.

5) Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.

7) They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.

8) Hear my prayer, O Lord God Almighty;
listen to me, O God of Jacob.
9) Look upon our shield, O God;
look with favor upon your anointed one.

10) Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the
house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

11) For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.

12) O Lord Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you.

Captivated part II.

When I look into the mountains, I see Your fame,
when I look into the night sky, it sparkles Your name

the wind in the clouds and the blue in the sky,
the sun and the moon and the stars so high
that's what draws me to You


I am, I'm captivated by You
(You know that You do)
I am, I'm captivated

when I wake unto the morning, it gives me Your sights,
when I look across the ocean, it echoes Your mights

the sand on the shore and the waves in the sea,
the air in my lungs and the way You made me
that's what draws me to You

I am, I'm captivated by You
(You know that You do)
I am, I'm captivated

the wind in the clouds and the blue in the sky,
the sun and the moon and the stars so high,
the sand on the shore and the waves in the sea,
the air in my lungs and the way You made me,

the blood in my veins and my heart You invade,
the plants how they grow and the trees in the shade,
the way that I feel and the love in my soul,
I thank You my God for letting me know

I am, I'm captivated by You
(You know that You do)
I am, I'm captivated

I am, I'm captivated by You
(You know that You do)
I am, I'm captivated

~Captivated by Shawn McDonald

Another look.

I've been in a very reflective mood as of late. There have been some changes taking place in my life and it always helps to get my thoughts down on 'paper', thus allowing myself to process everything taking place. Change is very good for me, I've come to notice. It can be painful while it's happening, but the after effect can be very rewarding if I allow it to positively influence my life.

Another birthday has come and gone. What with November being such a tremendously busy month, I hadn't had the time to post any new blogs in several weeks. A few different topics were constantly going through my mind and I actually couldn't wait to sit down and regurgitate my thoughts. Last night at small group, we talked about Discipleship & Leadership, which is chapter six of the Purple Book , our study guide throughout the last couple of months. While we use some of our time together to just open up and talk about personal issues, God uses that time as a way for us to see one another's struggles and victories and come alongside to strengthen and encourage the body of Christ. There were a few who've dealt with many physical ailments and have become strengthened in their faith because of it. It got me to thinking: I've had no physical 'battles' to fight. I've broken one finger and have never been hospitalized or have never had surgery. I've been blessed by that.

But, I've dealt with loss. Death, divorce, abuse, heartache. When it comes to emotional pain, you name it, I've faced it. I don't say any of this in order to have a pity party for myself or for even one ounce of solace. I've had people cry with me, for me, because of me...but I do believe that I've been given an immeasurable amount of grace and faith by God that will allow me to be an influence on others experiencing the things I have. Reading through my past blogs keeps me from having to delve into the same things over and over..and if you know me very well, you already know the majority of situations I'm talking about.

My (biological) mom and I were talking the other night about Bruce (my biological father, whom I haven't seen since I was 7) and what he may be up to. It's funny, but I sometimes forget that there's a huge side of my 'family' that I haven't seen in years. Anyways, I realize more and more that she still feels guilty for a lot of the things that happened to me when I was younger. I know she was (clinically) depressed and had been emotionally and physically abused by Bruce. I know that when she'd take her anger out on me that it was the only way she knew how to respond to her own pain. I know that I still, to this day, have to pray over our relationship and my heart towards her. I love her, but in my humanness it's hard to completely let go of the hurt that she caused me. I'm very thankful that God is continuing to change me.

I talked with (via e-mail) my ex-husband last Friday. He had some paperwork he needed from me. Immediately after seeing his name in my inbox, I was surprisingly angry with him for even contacting me. It had been almost a year since I've had any connection with him whatsoever. After a day or so, I realized that I had acted out of the flesh. If I believe that I've forgiven him completely, why would I be angry with him instead of looking at it as a chance to plant another seed of God's love in his life?? Soo, I spoke with him this week as well (via e-mail) and we did, in essence, say our goodbye's and it was such a relief to know there are no ill-feelings in my heart. I don't miss him. I love him but it doesn't go beyond just seeing him as God's child. I pray for his salvation daily and believe that he will accept Christ. Of that, I've not given up hope.

Other relationships of late have tested my faith. When I thought I knew God's plan for me re: this area of my life, I've been wrong. Wrong time, wrong person....not sure. But every time, I know God uses those 'opportunities' to draw me closer to Him and farther away from my selfish goals and wrong attitudes. Man..I've still got a long way to go. I'm noticing more and more how my first reaction to heartache is a self-pity attitude. I can easily, in the flesh, hit 'replay' and begin to feel sorry for myself.
"Why did I lose my sister?"
"Why did I not have a relationship with my (biological) father?"
"Why did people close to me tell me they wish I were never born?"
"Why did my husband....."
It's all old news. I'm over it. To whom much is given, much is required. I've been blessed beyond measure. God has used emotional pain to show me my need of HIM. I can't stop trusting people. What a miserable person I would be! Thank God He allowed me to go through these things. Thank God He never left my side when everyone in the world had. Thank God He knows just how much I can take...and He continues to stretch and mold and bend me...until just when I think I'm going to break....

Psalm 30: 11,12

God, give me the grace and wisdom to nurture, love, and encompass joy the way that You so freely do. Help me to learn from the pain and be better, not bitter. Allow me to reflect you in every relationship and redeem any that are broken. With You, there is hope. I believe that my past doesn't define me. I can't change what has taken place in my life but I can change how I view it. Let me see the goodness in others the way that You do.

Community.

What a great month this has been! October is usually a month I dread because I know that the winter season is just around the corner. I get the wonderful opportunity (hint of sarcasm added) to get up at 5:30 a.m. to take my dog outside and lately I've had to throw on an extra layer of clothing to keep warm. I believe it was Monday morning that I saw my breath for the first time in months. At any rate, I was thinking about where I was this time last year...I was still in Harrisburg, preparing to get out of the Navy after what seemed like a lifetime of service. I was keeping busy seeing friends that I probably wouldn't see again for a long time.

My first year in Indy...how I've been blessed! Within one week of being in a new city, I was plugged into a church and small group that has grown into two small groups now. I've made friendships here that will last a lifetime..I couldn't imagine my life without many of the people I've grown to love in just a few month's time. Community is so important in growing as a believer in Christ. There are some days I know I wouldn't be able to make it if I didn't have others around me. Yes, God is such an integral part of my life, but He also blesses us with people who are willing to come alongside us and lift us up when we need them. It hasn't always been that way...

I didn't realize how I'd secluded myself from people when I was living in Harrisburg. I was separated from my ex-husband and was a new Christian. I was so hungry to get into the Word of God that I spent most of my time at home, work, or church, and didn't leave any time for much else. Within a month of giving my heart to Christ, I stopped going to bars and drinking. I had absolutely no desire to. It was like I'd been on a pendulum that had swung extremely to one side. I know now that God was preparing me for the time in July of 2006 when my divorce would become final. I have faith that one day I'll know why God allowed me to go through such heartache. I knew he was at bars, had different girlfriends, and even lived with several different women over the course of 2 1/2 years. I think God wanted me to be alone then. I was dependent upon no one but Him. I had friends from church and through the ministry I was involved in, Club Impact II (for At-risk youth), and we did do things together, but for nearly ten months I felt a deep sense of loneliness. I was able to be involved in many outreach programs and was able to go on missions trips. Gradually, through reaching out to others, I found that I was fulfilled on an even deeper level. My ex would try to tear me down emotionally and psychologically in the way he spoke to me, but nothing he said or did was able to keep me from loving him and seeing him through Jesus' eyes. It took awhile, but it did happen.

I'm reminded of a piece of Scripture from Isaiah 40:31 that reads, "Those that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint." I think about how God took me through a valley of loneliness and helped me face my deepest fears (never being loved by anyone) and has turned that sorrow into joy by giving me great relationships with wonderful people through small group, church, and work. Jesus works in such amazing ways in and through close-knit communities that have a heart for Him, and here I've most definitely found one. I am challenged each day to become a better woman and follower of Christ because of them.

I'll write more tomorrow when I have some free time...there's still more to say but it's almost time to leave..:) thanks for reading.

I am His.

I want to know God for who He says He is.

I want to be everything He has called me to be. To live and breathe His Word in my life. To rest in the assurance that He loves me for who I am, not by what I do (or don't do)...

I want to live with such joy in my heart that it overflows into every single area of my life. To have a smile not only on my face but in my spirit as well. That others may desire to know the Jesus I proclaim to live for...

I want to be a woman after God's own heart. To not be so consumed with buying and having material things that continuously threaten to take my eyes off of my Father...

I want to know with all of my heart and soul that the blessings of God are just as much in knowing Him as it is in the things He allows me to have...

I want to know the Jesus that healed the sick and made the lame to walk. He is just as much present with me right now in Spirit as He was when He walked the earth 2,000 years ago. I want to walk with Him everyday...and allow him to heal others physically and spiritually through me...

I want to live a life free of fear. Free of doubt. Free of anxiousness about the future and everything I know is to come because of what the Word of God says about the end times...

I want to worship Him not only with my words but with my entire being...my heart, soul, mind, body, and strength...

I want to be a courageous witness for Christ to those in my circle of influence. To see my family and dearest friends come to Jesus in faith, so that they may see Him for who He truly is. That they may see their worth and value in the eyes of the Living God.

I want to have the freedom to be myself. In front of others and in my own eyes. I want to accept myself and all of my quirks, failures, and mistakes...and not be concerned with how others view me...

I want to be free from the fear of rejection. Yes, others very dear to me have rejected me.
But not Jesus.
He's always been there.
Always.
I'm never alone, even when everything in me cries out to Him because I feel lonely.

I want to enjoy the journey I'm on. I'm being perfected every day. Jesus has paid the price. I don't have to keep trying to convince myself that I need to 'earn' His love and grace.

I want to get into agreement with God for the things He's placed in my heart. The purpose He has for me. Unsure of what my next step is, I need to trust that in His timing, He will open doors that I cannot open...

I want the Lord to break my heart for the things that break His heart: injustice, sin, pride...

I want to know that the things I yearn for, if they're a part of His will for me, shall come to pass. I don't need to pray a particular way or do everything right to receive from Him. I just need to be His child, and that will never change.

I am His.
1 John 3:1