To my family:

Because it can never be said enough...

because today could be my last here on Earth...

because of what I've put you through, and how you continue to love me in spite of myself...

because you believed in me, even when I couldn't see past my own pain and pride...

because of the woman I've become, and how I owe it all to you...

because my heart's desire is to make you proud, not in my accomplishments or achievements, but in my character...I just wanted to tell you..

I love you.

My family is made up of those who have fought and prayed for me, who nurtured me, and who have done all they could to ensure that my happiness and security was of their upmost importance. Some are related by blood, and some are not, but the fierceness in the way they accept and love me is stronger than any bond one could imagine.

Thank you. I appreciate you and thank the Lord for you daily.

Well worth the sacrifice.

The way God has provided for me these last two months have been nothing short of a miracle. I've struggled with fear and doubt (mainly in regards to financial burdens), almost to the point of lying awake at night, wondering if I'd make it through. One after another, different situations have come up. Who/what will I choose to believe? Why is it that we question God and His sovereignty when everything seems to go wrong at once, but on our 'best' days, our faith in Him and in His promises do not falter? He quietly reminds my heart of His faithful provision and unending grace. Do I still myself long enough to listen? I've had to make a few changes in the way I spend my money. In turn, He's abundantly supplied every unexpected need, in unexpected ways. It amazes me that, when I've come to the end of myself, knowing I can do absolutely nothing to change my circumstances, God steps in and says, "I can take it from here. Now that you have a better understanding of my provision and how it is not dependent upon you, I can show you how much I love you and want to take care of you, and that I am more than able to do so."

This week, I've enjoyed coming home to a quiet house (no offense to 'E', my roomie, who's been gone for a whole month) and just really focusing on being present with God. With my cell phone, computer, t.v., and Ipod, it's easy to become addicted to entertainment. My evenings used to just fly by. I'd get home, walk Spikers, turn on the t.v., cook, and sit down on the couch until I was too tired to stay awake. My routine seems to be changing now...

In our small group the past few weeks, we've challenged one another to really be 'present' with others and with the Lord; I'm learning that this is what God is asking me to do during this season of my life. Just drink Him in. In Him, there's life, peace, and complete satisfaction. The world has nothing to offer me. Anything I accumulate while I'm on this side of heaven will be worthless and forgotten on the day I stand before the Lord. It really all boils down to this: Will I fully commit myself to living a God-centered life, trusting that my life and all of my needs are in His hands, or will I live in turmoil and fear of what I don't understand and cannot change? An addict is someone who cannot live without the thing he will do anything to have; is it possible to have that same hunger and drive for Jesus? Will I commit to spending time with the Lord, forsaking all else? It costs us everything to do so wholeheartedly. Pride, time, money, and our own 'idea' as to what we believe our lives should look like. It's a journey that will not come to an end while we still have breath in our lungs. It's not easy, but the gift of Jesus' presence in our life is well worth the sacrifice. He's made that His promise to us.

Lord God, with your grace alone, I commit to forsake my own life and choose each moment to learn how to live selflessly before You. I cannot do it on my own, for I am merely human. Show me how to love You and serve You with all of my being.


Matthew 11:28-30

A birthday in Heaven.

Today my sister would be turning 31 years old. My mom told me that this morning when I spoke to her on the phone. My goodness. I still think about her to this day, as if she's only been gone for a few short weeks or months, instead of 26 years. It just doesn't seem possible.

I love you, Britt, and think about you often. I can't wait to see you again, to hug you, and tell you how much I've missed having you in my life. My heart aches when I think about what kind of woman you would be if you were still here. Heaven is truly blessed to have you there. As much as I'd love to sit and talk with you on the phone for hours about life, I know God had a plan for you and that, for reasons unknown at this moment, it included taking you to be with Him much earlier than your loved ones would've liked. You're precious to Him, even more so than you are to your family. Your smile and beautiful spirit will never be forgotten. Happy Birthday, Britt. I love you.
Brittany Rachelle Spears- September 26, 1977- August 26, 1982.

Never forget.

Seven years have passed since the suicide attacks on American soil claimed thousands of lives. On my way to work this morning, I saw men & women standing on an overpass with about ten American flags displayed all around them. A sign hung down for the traffic below to see. It said, "Some Gave All." It moved me to tears. I didn't know anyone that perished that day. The memory of those who lost their lives still grieves me. I can't imagine what kind of pain their loved ones are still experiencing. I'm sure it'll never go away completely. I remember where I was the morning the World Trade Center was hit. I was on the messdecks of the BHR. I had just finished breakfast, was talking to some friends, and was about to go and muster for our morning roll-call. We declared war and left for deployment a few short months later. This, in my own way, is to honor those who lost their lives, and who continue to fight for our freedoms.

Please understand..

It's not that we can't be friends. We can. But...I will not allow you to be manipulative anymore. I can't understand why you would think I only loved you for the 'two years' when we weren't separated. I'm not quite sure if you said it to get a reaction, or if you truly believe it. I've prayed for years for us to become friends and for God to remove any bitterness, resentment, and hurt from my heart. He's done that. This in and of itself is 'proof' that God showed me how to truly love someone; that it was real and not fabricated. It wasn't based on the past..on what had happened between us. It was His love for you being poured out through me. It's almost a surreal feeling when I think about that time in my life. I wouldn't change any of it. It helped me to see how precious marriage is. Being free from anger and unforgiveness is the most beautiful experience...words cannot describe it.

I can't understand why you've become so blinded to the fact that I did everything in my power to listen to God regarding our relationship and not listen to everyone else who told me to give up on you. I did what I knew was in my heart, only by the grace of God! You were antagonistic. Mean-spirited. I felt like the lowest person in the world. It was your choice to divorce me, and when it was all said and done, I knew I could walk away, albeit humbly, with a sense of peace. I still, to this day, struggle with feelings of insecurity and I even find myself comparing myself to other women at times. I know God is continuing to change me in that area. I just pray and hope that one day you'll see that He can and wants to change your heart as well. I do not take prayer lightly or for granted, either. You do have a good heart. I've seen it. But, it has been hidden behind a facade of pride and fear for so long, I think you've chosen to believe you are just 'that way'. You're not. I believe different about you. Even when others don't understand it, especially my family. They were there for me and saw me through the entire separation and divorce. Don't get me wrong, none of them dislike you. They just hurt because I did.

I never wanted to give up on you. I've moved on with my life. Wounds have been healed, and after today, I realize that they could very easily be opened again if I don't allow God to guard my heart where our friendship is concerned.

I want you to know that the person you really are, even in spite of what has happened, is not who you portray to be. I sincerely, with all my heart, want the very best for you. Every person gets a second chance. Without the Lord in my life, this all could've ended up very differently. Thankfully, that was not the case. I hope this is all making sense. I can hardly get my thoughts in order. There's so much I know I'd like to say...hopefully one day it'll all be clearer..