30 and alive.

Whew. I've been gone awhile! Much has gone on during the months of April & May so I haven't had the chance to come by and do one of my favorite things: blog. :) I'm learning how to wait, with peace and praise, on God who is the Author and the Finisher of our faith. It's never as easy as it is to say: I'm waiting on God.



But still, here I am, 30, still going to college, no children, no husband...yet I feel more alive than I ever thought I would...all because God is teaching me to be joyful while He works out His best for me. Do I believe I'll be a mother one day? Absolutely. My head can't grasp it, but my heart can. Learning to trust what is unseen takes much practice. It causes unrest at times. I want to see things happen before my eyes. Even when they do, I almost need constant assurance of those things I'm believing for.

I've met someone. He's an encourager, chivalrous, gentle-spirited...everything I could ask for in a friend, and especially in a husband. We're still getting to know one another and aren't a 'couple' (yet?) but I've been praying for years for God to choose my husband for me. It seems as if things have just been falling into place. And, it kind of scares me! He assures me he's determined to protect my heart. He's been trustworthy and even when I have doubts, he's gentle in reassuring me that his intentions are good. I must remember that I can trust my heart to Jesus, and if this man of God is following after the Lord as I've prayed every day for him to, then the relationship is surely in God's hands. He will bless the work of His own hands.

Lord,
As someone whose been hurt and whose trust has been broken time and time again, help me to see the goodness in your plan. Whether it's at this moment or tomorrow, I need an extra measure of grace to look past the pain from yesterday and believe that the very best is yet to come. I'm grateful for life's experiences, let them not be in vain. Thank you for the first 30 years of my life...may the next 30 be filled with even more opportunities to exercise my faith and be filled with joy under any and all circumstances that come my way. I love you.

Proverbs 3:5,6~
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not unto your own understanding, in all of your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make straight all your paths.

A gift for you!

I saw this post on a blogger friend's page: http://http://legacy-4-my-boys.blogspot.com/ And I'm playing!! It's open to everyone, in the United States, who reads my blog.The first FIVE people to respond to this post will get something bought or made by me! My choice. For you. This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I buy or make!

2- What I choose will be just for you.

3- It will be done this calendar year. (that's right, before December 31, 2009!)

4- You have no clue what it's going to be!

5- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

But I would never send something that I didn't like myself!The catch? Oh, the catch is that you must re-post this on your blog and make the same offer to the first 5 people who respond on your blog entry, thereby continuing the fun!The first 5 people to do so, and leave a comment telling me they did, will win a FAB-U-LOUS gift from me! Oh, and be sure to post a picture of what you win when you get it! Sounds like fun, right? So, let's play!

My Familiar Face

My mind is full of questions
What does it mean?
Am I returning
To everything I once knew
But lost?
Can't control the longing in
My heart
Or can I?
I had dreamed
And dreamed
And longed
Of this time
Hoping it would come
Now that it has
Do I really know
If this is
The best for me?
Would God lead me
Astray?
Crying for wisdom
A time when
Everything in me
Is saying yes
But the voice
Of my past
Says no
Remember
Remember?
Can I stand it again?
Too much to bear
If history repeats
Itself
I cannot trust
My feelings
I can trust God
But has He spoken
And I've just
Missed it?
Give me
A vision, O Lord
For that Familiar Face
What you have
For us
I love him
Or do I?
Speak to my heart
An angel to give
Direction
Stubborn heart
Dwells within me
Will that keep me
From hearing?
Anxiousness.
His familiar face
I ache to see it
I know
His heart is
Longing too
Lord, not my
Will,
But
Yours be done
If it is he,
Then make it
As clear as
The noonday
Please hurry
Before my heart
Explodes

The Culturally-Savvy Christian

I encourage you, dear reader, to take in just a few pages of this manifesto by Dick Staub and see if you're not compelled to finish the book in the same day. It is brilliantly written and it is changing the way I see and (hopefully!) live my life. I can't wait to finish it and write about how it's affected my way of thinking.

Christianity, for many years now, has sought after politcal gain over sharing the Truth of the Gospel. We, as a church, need to go back to the root of Jesus' mission: To see lives changed, people healed, and to make disciples of all nations.

Discipleship needs to be our primary focus while we're still on this Earth. It's not about 'getting people saved'. It's not about how big the church building is or about the sound and lights or how many people became members on Sunday.

We should be a people whose love drives our culture towards Him. We're told be in the world but not of the world. But Jesus left us here for a reason. And it was not to be more concerned about what's going on inside the four walls of our 'church', but to reach those outside of the 'church'. We're so consumed with consumerism that we miss out on building and nurturing relationships with people inside our neighborhoods; even our own homes.

We were not created to be consumers. We were created to love the Lord, be in fellowship with Him, and love others into the Kingdom. This book is definitely helping me see how lukewarm and superficial today's Christianity can be. I don't want to be lukewarm anymore. I'm on a journey to dig a deeper well!

Care to join me?

Once heartbroken...now healed.

I wrote this on my Myspace blog on April 12, 2007. Since this is my only blog now, I wanted to remember this entry...it came at a pivotal time in my life when I knew I could move forward with peace and rejoice in the fact that my heart had been made whole again...

Today marks the third year anniversary of the day my world was turned up-side down. I look back and think about the emotions I experienced: hurt; despair; betrayal…the list goes on. I didn't understand why someone who promised to love me could cause me so much pain. A piece of Scripture comes to mind now that I am a follower of Christ: Proverbs 3:5, 6 which says: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight all your paths."

I wasn't a believer then, so I turned all my attention to anything I could to make me feel like I was still wanted, loved, even desirable, instead of trusting the Lord completely. I was even questioning whether my life was worth living anymore. I wanted to close up and shut down. Even when I wanted to cry, I felt like I couldn't; like it was going to tear me apart and I wouldn't be able to stop. The grace that God had afforded me even when I was not walking in His ways is truly remarkable. He had His hand on my life in ways that were so palpable; I can almost see His fingerprint when I look back. I've had many other changes just in the past year, but none as shattering as when my divorce was final. I prayed for him and for our marriage, believing that those prayers were not falling on deaf ears. There's a country song called "Unanswered Prayer" by Garth Brooks. I'm not much of a country-song girl, but that is truly a remarkable way to describe my life at this point. I believe God seen every tear, comforted me and gave me strength, and wanted our marriage to be healed. Why He allowed my ex's heart to remain hard is beyond my comprehension. Maybe I'll never know. Maybe a few years down the road I'll see why. Right now, I must trust Him. Trust that the last four years have not been in vain. That being wounded to the very core of who I am will not be for nothing.

This makes me think of how Jesus suffered. He was betrayed by the very people who promised to be by His side no matter what. Peter was adamant about never denying his Lord…but he did. Can I assume that I will be blessed in this lifetime and get back every second that was spent crying and praying for the man I married to love me? I can assume that. It doesn't mean I will. God's ways are not our ways, and for that I'm thankful. If I could've had my way, my marriage would've been salvaged. But I wouldn't be here in Indy and I wouldn't have met the wonderful people I've met at my last command in Pennsylvania and here in Indy. I suppose I could be bitter. I have every 'right' to be as far as the world is concerned. There are many divorced people who are, right? I know a few. I never wanted to be one. Asking the Lord to help me forgive and let go was possibly the second most important prayer I've ever prayed next to accepting Christ. Who knows if I ever would've accepted Christ had it not been for the heartache I was dealing with? Now I know I can rest in the assurance that Christ is my vindicator, and though I don't wish any harm or hurt upon my ex-husband, I hope that through my witness and character he will one day accept forgiveness by a God who is so patient and kind. If I had to go through a painful separation and divorce for one person to know the Lord…I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was worth it. Jesus endured an even greater pain, and look at how God exalted Him.

I can only pray that my life would emulate His; that through my heartache, God would be glorified, and that others will see Him in me instead of a scorned and bitter woman.