The butterfly.

I kept for nearly a year the flask-shaped cocoon of an emperor moth. It is very peculiar in its construction. A narrow opening is left in the neck of the flask, through which the perfect insect forces its way, so that a forsaken cocoon is as entire as one still tenanted, no rupture of the interlacing fibers having taken place. The great disproportion between the means of egress and the size of the imprisoned insect makes one wonder how the exit is ever accomplished at all- and it never is without great labor and difficulty. It is supposed that the pressure to which the moth's body is subjected in passing through such a narrow opening is a provision of nature for forcing the juices into the vessels of the wings, these being less developed at the period of emerging from the chrysalis than they are in other insects.

I happened to witness the first efforts of my prisoned moth to escape from its long confinement. During a whole forenoon, from time to time, I watched it patiently striving and struggling to get out. It never seemed able to get beyond a certain point, and at last my patience was exhausted. Very probably the confining fibers were drier and less elastic than if the cocoon had been left all winter on its native heather, as nature meant it to be. At all events I thought I was wiser and more compassionate than its Maker, and I resolved to give it a helping hand. With the point of my scissors I snipped the confining threads to make the exit just a very little easier, and lo! immediately, and with perfect ease, out crawled my moth dragging a huge swollen body and little shriveled wings. In vain I watched to see that marvelous process of expansion in which these silently and swiftly develop before one's eyes; and as I traced the exquisite spots and markings of diverse colors which were all there in miniature, I longed to see these assume their due proportions and the creature to appear in all its perfect beauty, as it is, in truth, one of the loveliest of its kind. But I looked in vain. My false tenderness had proved its ruin. It never was anything but a stunted abortion, crawling painfully through that brief life which it should have spent flying through the air on rainbow wings.

I have thought of it often, often, when watching with pitiful eyes those who were struggling with sorrow, suffering, and distress; and I would fain cut short the discipline and give deliverance. Short-sighted! How know I that one of those pangs or groans could be spared? The farsighted, perfect love that seeks the perfection of its object does not weakly shrink from present, transient suffering. Our Father's love is too true to be weak. Because He loves His children, He chastises them that they may be partakers of His holiness. With this glorious end in view, He spares not for their crying. Made perfect through sufferings, as the Elder Brother was, the sons and daughters of God are trained up to obedience and brought to glory through much tribulation.

~excerpt from Streams in the Desert by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman

Return to love.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

-I Corinthians 13:4-8

I have a choice. Every day. To return to bitterness and resentment, or to turn to love. Fear of abandonment and 'letting people in' has really taken a toll on my heart. Yes, I have great friends that I can be open and honest with. But, I still have issues in my heart that I still deal with in regards to my family. Yes, I love them. But that wall. That wall still threatens to come and build itself up around my heart and my emotions, not letting in people who I've felt always kept me at arms-length when I was growing up. I fight it almost daily. I know my God can show me how to love and forgive. He's been faithful in doing that with other relationships in my life. I know they have not abandoned me. It's a daily dying-to-self. It hurts. I hate it. But, I know it's necessary. It will take effort, prayer, humility...all of which, let's be honest, take determination and will-power. I cannot give up. If I really believe God is in control, I know that He's working everything [even this pain] out for His glory.

Maybe I'll sit down and write a letter. Get my words and emotions down on paper. It usually seems to help better than trying to find the words in the middle of a conversation. I know this is going to result in a breakthrough. I'm more than ready for one.

Resolutions.

I'm not a huge fan of New Year's resolutions. I don't want to be the kind of person who makes one or more resolutions only to set myself up for failure. But, I've changed my mind, as I do so often. So, here is a small list of things that I'm really, really going to put a lot of time and prayer into accomplishing, or getting better at, this year:

1) buckling down and taking more classes to finish my psychology degree
2) organize my garage, home office, and closets :)
3) write letters to people who are important to me (not just e-mails!)
4) spend time in the Word in the morning and evening
5) become a better listener
6) learn new recipes
7) stop procrastinating...today instead of tomorrow
8) see my family more often
9) pay off my debt (excluding my house)

A few of these may take awhile to really become a part of my life; a 'habit', if you will. I was challenged by my mom this past weekend to, "Get your (my) priorities straight." It's true. They've been all out wack for quite some time now. I want to finish school so I can actually do what I believe I'm called to do. I want to spend time with people I care about, people who've been there for me on so many different levels. To sum it all up: I'd like to stop being selfish and stop putting things off.

Lord, help me. I will need every bit you can give me!

Happy Birthday!

Today is Christmas. This day is all about remembering how the Son of God humbled Himself and became fully man to die a sinner's death for me, and for all of the world. I never want to forget the ultimate price He paid for me. Today, when many are without food, without shelter, and without hope, may I not forget that I am blessed and that God is calling me to bless those whom the world may overlook. This is truly sharing the spirit of Christmas: Loving others the way Christ loves us; sacrificing our comfort and our time by reaching out and giving to someone who is without hope. May Jesus' birth be remembered, revered, and celebrated today. May we reach out and pour into others' lives in honor of Christ, not just today, but everyday.

Happy Birthday, Jesus. Thank you for your love and sacrifice for me. May I never forget!

Prophetic Dream

My Pastor came up to me on Sunday before the service and said he had had the same dream about me on three different occasions and wanted to share it with me. Before that day, I had only known him in passing, mainly because our church is rather large and it's probably pretty hard to know every single individual and their lives completely. While we were speaking on Monday, the Holy Spirit confirmed everything he shared...all of which I'm still trying to completely grasp the significance of...

I was in a cave. He said there were demons pushing me farther into the cave. They were biting at my feet, hands, and more importantly, at my heart. There were human voices coming from them; they were saying things to me out of anger. One was even touching me in an unclean manner. I was carrying a heavy rock and trying to move it out of the way of the entrance into the cave so that I may escape. Because my feet were so mangled and torn up, I could not get traction to take a step forward. Then, light came into the cave. My hands and feet were beginning to heal. He said I turned around, and in my back were knives and shrapnel. The light shone on my back and it too began to heal. Then, my heart was healing, which he greatly emphasized on. I was then able to push the rock out. My strength was being regained, my wounds were healed, and I was able to leave the cave.

When my Pastor awoke from the dream he prayed and wrote down the revelation God wanted to give him; he also did this the same morning he shared everything with me. He said God has allowed the things that have happened to me in my life to strengthen me and prepare me for ministry. I am being called by the Lord to minister to women who are hurting and broken. He said he didn't know anything about my life or my past (which is true!) but he knows that if anyone were to [have a reason to] give up on God, it would've been me. God gave him a vision of how he sees me. He sees me as a pearl, precious in His sight. God is going to restore, redeem, and bless me with a discerning spirit with regards to whom I can trust. He said God revealed to him the hurt others have caused me, and how my trust has been shattered because of it. He also said that everything I've lost in the natural (or believe I've lost), God was going to return to me ten-fold [in the spiritual].

The Lord is calling me to 'carry' women out of their hurt. He had a vision of women who were bleeding from their bodies, and the pool of tears that I've cried over the course of my life will be used to heal them and help them to become restored and whole. God is annointing me to be patient with those who are hurting, so that I may have the wisdom and grace to meet them where they are in their hurt.

He said that I'm right where I need to be in my walk with the Lord; that the Lord is pleased with my faithfulness to Him during times when I could have given up my faith and turned to bitterness.

Long ago, God had put a desire in my heart to minister to women...I just didn't know when or how...

The things I've endured, not in my own strength, have weighed me down and at times have threatened to consume me...but God is showing that there is complete restoration and redemption ahead for me...

I've struggled to see myself as God sees me...as a pearl, a jem, a beautiful creation of His...revelation of that truth is here for me to fully receive...and wholeheartedly believe...

I'm completely humbled and grateful for they way God is showing me who He truly is. I don't deserve it, but God says I do because I'm His. And because He loves me. My trials have not been for nothing (like I've at times believed). They are for my good, and for the Lord's glory.

May the things that have been spoken over me come to pass, just as you say, Lord.