Detox.

Last night, a very good friend of mine, Cari, and I were walking up and down another friend's street whose house we just left. As we rounded the cul-de-sac for the tenth time or so, it occurred to me that it was truly a divine appointment. I sensed in my spirit when we were inside our friend's house that we desperately needed to pray for one another and for our other close girlfriends. We started walking and pouring out our hearts to God and confessing the things we're going through to one another, what we now like to call 'detoxing'. As soon as she started to pray, I felt the overwhelming yet peaceful and sweet Spirit of God surround us. How humbling to feel His presence! We both prayed as we walked up and down the street, asking God for wisdom in areas we felt confusion in and peace in areas that seemed out of our control.

As it was last night, God's will for my life coupled with emotional healing from past hurts continues to be a primary focus in many of my prayers (as well as hers) lately. I believe relationships tend to unveil hurts that maybe we think we've healed from. This in turn creates more disappointment and fear when others let us down, even when it's unintentional. Being a believer, it would seem that giving God the reins to an area in your life such as relationships would be fairly easy, right? Not so much. I've come to realize that I've built up walls around my heart and now that I'm finally facing them (most I had no idea were there to begin with), it has been quite an awakening. When I think about what that might look like, I picture a glass mirror that has been completely shattered, with temporary 'bandages' all over it in an attempt to fix it on my own. Do I believe that I've forgiven the person who has hurt me more than I could've ever imagined, even if he never repents for it? Absolutely. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm not afraid of being hurt again. I've built walls up around my heart in ways that God cannot even penetrate (or so it seems) to bring complete healing. At the moment, I'm unable to delve too soon into what these 'walls' are covering up because I'm just at the place where I know they're there...which is disheartening on its own.

Cari said she felt that God had been revealing to her how much pain I've been holding on to. Not on purpose or anything. It's not as if I believe the world, or another man, or anyone for that matter, owes me anything. I somehow feel like I just haven't been sincerely trusting the Lord to bless me in ways that He desires to. I yearn to be married so I may truly experience giving and receiving the love of Christ with my husband. I want to be made whole again. No longer a scared and broken woman...but how and when will that happen?

The longer we walked and prayed, the more I saw my own hopes, dreams, and fears mirrored back. We spoke of all the women we're close with, and how much we need one another to encourage and pray specifically re: this area in our lives. I'm the only one divorced in our close-knit circle, but it doesn't mean we all haven't been hurt, or that we don't struggle with trusting God. His timing and purpose for us look much differently than our own. I believe I'm here for a purpose (in this life, and more specifically, in Indy), and I hope to be someone that others who are broken can look and see Christ alive in. Even in brokenness God can use me to help heal those who have been deeply wounded in their lives.

Can I trust the Lord to bring wholeness and life back into my heart so that I can help others be completely free? I know I can trust Him. The question is: am I truly ready to give it up, no matter what the cost?

I am.