My Lonely Journey.

I know it's for a reason. I know God's promises to His children are 'Yes' and 'Amen'. I have faith for my closest friends who are walking through life as a single (not married). Once again, I'm fighting off my fears of never being married and having a family. It's something I've dreamed about as long as I can remember. My ex-husband pretty much robbed me of that in my mid-to-late twenties. But, hey, the marriage was anything but happy and healthy....so I am grateful that God worked out the situation for my good: No children with a man I really wanted to move on from after all of the hurt he afflicted upon my heart (as well as upon the hearts of those who love me) and life. His divorcing me seems like so many chapters ago. Almost surreal to think about that time in my life now.

I'd like to think I trust God. I'd like to think that after all of the battles He's fought for me and won that I'd be able align my head with my heart and trust Him with everything that I am. I guess I'm admitting that my trust in His promises for me in this one area is hugely marred. Singleness. I read about and know dozens of real-life stories about people who have waited for their spouse and have not been found wanting. My story could be heard by others one day and bring hope, right??

I am especially overjoyed for both of my brothers. My eldest brother just got engaged this week; my second eldest brother just recently welcomed his first child into the world, only 22 days ago. She's beautiful and such a miracle baby! Maybe it's all of this, coupled with the fact that it's the Christmas season, that makes the realization of my single hood all the more raw to my heart. I want to be on someones mind. Is that selfish? Maybe. But, I'm just being honest.

I was dating someone who travels a lot for work. We made the decision this morning to take a step back and just be friends until he is home ported back here at home once more. Distance would inevitably take a toll on a new relationship. His name has been on the waiting list for quite some time....so there's no telling when this could occur.

I appreciate that: "Everything happens for a reason," and that, "It's in God's timing." Believe me, that seems to be my mantra. This isn't necessarily a 'woe is me' or a pity-party. It's just that my heart is screaming out for something real to come before I completely give up or bitterness consumes me.

I'm just tired of being let down. It's like my own personal hell. Frankly, maybe it would be easier if I just acted like it didn't bother me so much. Then I could live without expectation of finding the man God has for me, and I won't be disillusioned into thinking that he's just 'right around the corner,' as everyone loves to tell me.

Praying for peace. Praying for grace. Praying my patience doesn't give way to despondency. That would be a new hell all in itself.

30 and alive.

Whew. I've been gone awhile! Much has gone on during the months of April & May so I haven't had the chance to come by and do one of my favorite things: blog. :) I'm learning how to wait, with peace and praise, on God who is the Author and the Finisher of our faith. It's never as easy as it is to say: I'm waiting on God.



But still, here I am, 30, still going to college, no children, no husband...yet I feel more alive than I ever thought I would...all because God is teaching me to be joyful while He works out His best for me. Do I believe I'll be a mother one day? Absolutely. My head can't grasp it, but my heart can. Learning to trust what is unseen takes much practice. It causes unrest at times. I want to see things happen before my eyes. Even when they do, I almost need constant assurance of those things I'm believing for.

I've met someone. He's an encourager, chivalrous, gentle-spirited...everything I could ask for in a friend, and especially in a husband. We're still getting to know one another and aren't a 'couple' (yet?) but I've been praying for years for God to choose my husband for me. It seems as if things have just been falling into place. And, it kind of scares me! He assures me he's determined to protect my heart. He's been trustworthy and even when I have doubts, he's gentle in reassuring me that his intentions are good. I must remember that I can trust my heart to Jesus, and if this man of God is following after the Lord as I've prayed every day for him to, then the relationship is surely in God's hands. He will bless the work of His own hands.

Lord,
As someone whose been hurt and whose trust has been broken time and time again, help me to see the goodness in your plan. Whether it's at this moment or tomorrow, I need an extra measure of grace to look past the pain from yesterday and believe that the very best is yet to come. I'm grateful for life's experiences, let them not be in vain. Thank you for the first 30 years of my life...may the next 30 be filled with even more opportunities to exercise my faith and be filled with joy under any and all circumstances that come my way. I love you.

Proverbs 3:5,6~
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not unto your own understanding, in all of your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make straight all your paths.

Return to love.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

-I Corinthians 13:4-8

I have a choice. Every day. To return to bitterness and resentment, or to turn to love. Fear of abandonment and 'letting people in' has really taken a toll on my heart. Yes, I have great friends that I can be open and honest with. But, I still have issues in my heart that I still deal with in regards to my family. Yes, I love them. But that wall. That wall still threatens to come and build itself up around my heart and my emotions, not letting in people who I've felt always kept me at arms-length when I was growing up. I fight it almost daily. I know my God can show me how to love and forgive. He's been faithful in doing that with other relationships in my life. I know they have not abandoned me. It's a daily dying-to-self. It hurts. I hate it. But, I know it's necessary. It will take effort, prayer, humility...all of which, let's be honest, take determination and will-power. I cannot give up. If I really believe God is in control, I know that He's working everything [even this pain] out for His glory.

Maybe I'll sit down and write a letter. Get my words and emotions down on paper. It usually seems to help better than trying to find the words in the middle of a conversation. I know this is going to result in a breakthrough. I'm more than ready for one.