After His heart.

At our small group last week, my dear friend and brother in Christ shared a bit of wisdom that spoke directly to the heart of my Christian walk at this very moment. He said (in so many words),

"When we're new Christians, we live off the milk of the Word; God shows His grace and mercy so profoundly that we cannot help but run towards Him, wanting to know more and learn of Him. When we've been in the faith a bit longer, He allows seasons and trials in our lives that will cause us to seek Him with more fervency; He hides Himself a little more than He did at the beginning; not to be spiteful, but because He wants us to eat the meat of the Word and help us really see our need for Him."

Doesn't this show our desperate need for Him? Pain. Trials. Misunderstandings. Paths you thought you were going down but instead you take a sharp turn and find yourself in unfamiliar surroundings...

I cannot pretend to know what God has for my life; I can try and figure it out by praying and moving forward slowly when I'm governed by the peace of God but....do I ever really know??

Nothing surprises God. Even when I make a mistake, He's already got the answer and the purpose it will achieve in my life worked out. I can't 'stump' God. He doesn't even (gasp!) need my assistance in working in my life. Well, there's always obedience tied in to the blessings of God and the richness of knowing Him. But I believe there's something to be said about the life of David; not David the King, not David the Adulterer...but David, the man after God's own heart. The Bible is not secretive or flippant about the sins David committed. He grieved the Father when he sinned against Heaven and against Bathsheba. God, in His infinite mercy, still blessed David and his lineage and called him a man after His (God's) own heart. Wow!

When I was a new Christian, back in 2004, I was in the Word daily and had an almost overnight turnaround from the person that I'd become for nearly 27 years. God still speaks to me in the way He did then, but I have to pursue Him even more than I did five years ago. I've had relationships tested, my faith tested, and even during moments of "Where are you, God?", He continues to be merciful and patient with my unbelief and struggles.

A lot can change from one day to the next. The only thing that is certain is that God Is. If I desire (which I do) to be a woman like David (well, you understand what I mean) who is one after God's own heart, I will seek Him; not for His hand, but for the simple fact that He does not change. Unbelievably sovereign and graciously all-sufficient. I choose today to keep my eyes on Him and leave the details of my life in His care.

The grass withers, the flower fades,

But the word of our God stands forever. -Is. 40:8

Once heartbroken...now healed.

I wrote this on my Myspace blog on April 12, 2007. Since this is my only blog now, I wanted to remember this entry...it came at a pivotal time in my life when I knew I could move forward with peace and rejoice in the fact that my heart had been made whole again...

Today marks the third year anniversary of the day my world was turned up-side down. I look back and think about the emotions I experienced: hurt; despair; betrayal…the list goes on. I didn't understand why someone who promised to love me could cause me so much pain. A piece of Scripture comes to mind now that I am a follower of Christ: Proverbs 3:5, 6 which says: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight all your paths."

I wasn't a believer then, so I turned all my attention to anything I could to make me feel like I was still wanted, loved, even desirable, instead of trusting the Lord completely. I was even questioning whether my life was worth living anymore. I wanted to close up and shut down. Even when I wanted to cry, I felt like I couldn't; like it was going to tear me apart and I wouldn't be able to stop. The grace that God had afforded me even when I was not walking in His ways is truly remarkable. He had His hand on my life in ways that were so palpable; I can almost see His fingerprint when I look back. I've had many other changes just in the past year, but none as shattering as when my divorce was final. I prayed for him and for our marriage, believing that those prayers were not falling on deaf ears. There's a country song called "Unanswered Prayer" by Garth Brooks. I'm not much of a country-song girl, but that is truly a remarkable way to describe my life at this point. I believe God seen every tear, comforted me and gave me strength, and wanted our marriage to be healed. Why He allowed my ex's heart to remain hard is beyond my comprehension. Maybe I'll never know. Maybe a few years down the road I'll see why. Right now, I must trust Him. Trust that the last four years have not been in vain. That being wounded to the very core of who I am will not be for nothing.

This makes me think of how Jesus suffered. He was betrayed by the very people who promised to be by His side no matter what. Peter was adamant about never denying his Lord…but he did. Can I assume that I will be blessed in this lifetime and get back every second that was spent crying and praying for the man I married to love me? I can assume that. It doesn't mean I will. God's ways are not our ways, and for that I'm thankful. If I could've had my way, my marriage would've been salvaged. But I wouldn't be here in Indy and I wouldn't have met the wonderful people I've met at my last command in Pennsylvania and here in Indy. I suppose I could be bitter. I have every 'right' to be as far as the world is concerned. There are many divorced people who are, right? I know a few. I never wanted to be one. Asking the Lord to help me forgive and let go was possibly the second most important prayer I've ever prayed next to accepting Christ. Who knows if I ever would've accepted Christ had it not been for the heartache I was dealing with? Now I know I can rest in the assurance that Christ is my vindicator, and though I don't wish any harm or hurt upon my ex-husband, I hope that through my witness and character he will one day accept forgiveness by a God who is so patient and kind. If I had to go through a painful separation and divorce for one person to know the Lord…I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was worth it. Jesus endured an even greater pain, and look at how God exalted Him.

I can only pray that my life would emulate His; that through my heartache, God would be glorified, and that others will see Him in me instead of a scorned and bitter woman.

Call My Name

During those times when I'm going through a rough, dry, or particularly hard season, I'll hear a song that will minister to my heart. I can usually get pretty emotional and start crying to the point where nothing is left in me when I'm done. At this time in my life, I'm in one of those seasons. And Third Day's song Call My Name is one such song. I might have it on my playlist, so I strongly urge you to listen, and let your heart be ministered to as well.

It’s been so long since
You felt like you were loved
So what went wrong
But do you know
There’s a place where you belong
Here in My Arms


When you feel like you’re alone in your sadness
And it seems like no one in this whole world cares
And you want to get away from the madness
You just call My name and I’ll be there
You just call My name and I’ll be there

The pain inside
Has erased your hope for love
Soon you will find
That I’ll give you all
That your heart could ever want
And so much more


When you feel like you’re alone in your sadness
And it seems like no one in this whole world cares
And you want to get away from the madness
You just Call My Name and I’ll be there
You just Call My Name and I’ll be there

You just Call My Name

Call My name say it now
I want you to never doubt
The love I have for you is so alive
Call My name say it now
I want you to never doubt
The love I have for you is so alive

You just Call My Name

The love I have for you is so alive
The love I have for you is so alive


You just Call My Name

God, I need you. Thank you for never leaving me alone in my pain or heartache.