Today my sister would be turning 31 years old. My mom told me that this morning when I spoke to her on the phone. My goodness. I still think about her to this day, as if she's only been gone for a few short weeks or months, instead of 26 years. It just doesn't seem possible.
I love you, Britt, and think about you often. I can't wait to see you again, to hug you, and tell you how much I've missed having you in my life. My heart aches when I think about what kind of woman you would be if you were still here. Heaven is truly blessed to have you there. As much as I'd love to sit and talk with you on the phone for hours about life, I know God had a plan for you and that, for reasons unknown at this moment, it included taking you to be with Him much earlier than your loved ones would've liked. You're precious to Him, even more so than you are to your family. Your smile and beautiful spirit will never be forgotten. Happy Birthday, Britt. I love you.
Brittany Rachelle Spears- September 26, 1977- August 26, 1982.
Showing posts with label sister. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sister. Show all posts
Friday, September 26, 2008
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
I miss her.
I was pretty young when Britt passed away...she was one month shy of turning five.
I have a picture of her next to my computer screen and I think about her often, so I thought I would write to share my memories of her. A lot of those memories took place at the Riley Children's Hospital in Indy, and next to her bedside when she became really sick. She had the most contagious smile that would just light up the room! Doctors and nurses from all over the children's hospital would come and see her because she was always laughing and so full of life. I can picture her perfectly at times...she'd hold my hand and touch my face when she began to lose her eyesight from the tumor. I remember the day we found out she had Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. My mom knew something wasn't right because for a few weeks prior to that day, Brittany would be walking and would run into things as if she couldn't see where she was going. The tumor was located behind her right eye, thus causing partial blindness and difficulty in seeing. We were eating breakfast (I was only four when she became sick, but I remember it very clearly), and her nose began to bleed. My mom couldn't get it to stop, so after waiting at the hospital for what seemed like forever, we received the diagnosis.
I can hear her laughter, and the way she would cry and hold her stuffed animals when she had to get yet another shot. I can hear her singing along to It's a Small World off of our Disney record. I remember how much she loved hugging Jack, our black lab, and would giggle hysterically when he licked her face. She was so young, but others were quickly drawn to her because of her sweet spirit and contagious laughter.
I have a picture hanging in my room now of us in our old bedroom that we once shared. I am standing next to her holding her hand and she is swollen from all of the medication, undoubtedly in pain. Eventually she lost her sight completely, leaving her bedridden unless someone carried her from room to room. I've been told I rarely left her side after that. My mom has told me of the day Britt died. I was in a separate hospital from an allergic reaction to penicillin. The doctors from St. Mary's (where Britt was) called my mom to tell me it was me who passed away. Goodness! What a horrible mistake to make! Here my sister is dying of cancer and the doctors tell my mom that her other daughter (perfectly healthy besides the allergic reaction incident) had just passed away (!!). My mom had just left the hospital Brittany was in. She said she was smiling and laughing when she left. She passed away shortly after my mom arrived home. My last memory was of my biological father holding me up to see Brittany one last time at her funeral..
Some days I wonder how my life would be different if she were still living. What she would look like. If we would be close like we were when we were little. If she would be the one to stand up for me at my wedding. If she would be the one to console me if something was going on in my life and I needed a shoulder to cry on or words of encouragement. I'd like to think she would. My mom has dreams of her time to time. She says she sees her in heaven. Her hair is long; she's older (about my age); she's got her same smile where her eyes simply shine. My mom says she's in such peace. It comforts both of us knowing we'll be reunited with her in heaven again one day.
God works in such mysterious ways. I like to overanalyze things at times (almost always), and I believe He has allowed me to lose a sister so that I may be blessed with a family who is like my own blood. I have a wonderful mother, and although I've not seen my biological father since I was seven, God has brought into my life a father figure who has treated me no different than his own two sons. I have a great relationship with my mom and with my foster parents. How many people can actually say that?? I can't think of any at the moment. My foster parents took me into their home when Britt was sick so that my biological parents could travel up to Indianapolis for Britt's cancer treatment at Riley's. That's all I've known my whole life. Going back and forth in between families every week while I was growing up. When Britt passed away, I continued to see my foster family. I was never actually adopted in the legal sense, but it was always less confusing to me and others to explain how I had two families that weren't the result of a divorce. It's true that no one will ever be able to take Brittany's place in my heart, but I've been blessed with women in my life who've become like sisters to me. I can rejoice in the fact that in my life, when God has taken away, He has also given much in return.
It saddens me when I think about how my sister's life was cut so short. How precious human life is! If you think about it, we're really only here for a short amount of time. It makes me question my own life. Am I living my life in a manner that will cause me to be remembered as someone who loved freely and completely? As someone who lifted people up instead of tearing them down? By the grace of God, I hope to live in this manner. Brittany's life, however short, has allowed me to keep my own life in perspective. When I feel like the world is completely against me and nothing is going the way I had planned it, I remember that I still have breath in me. I have an opportunity to make a difference here. I have wonderful people in my life and God has been incredibly merciful to me in more ways than one! How this puts things in a whole new light...
I have a picture of her next to my computer screen and I think about her often, so I thought I would write to share my memories of her. A lot of those memories took place at the Riley Children's Hospital in Indy, and next to her bedside when she became really sick. She had the most contagious smile that would just light up the room! Doctors and nurses from all over the children's hospital would come and see her because she was always laughing and so full of life. I can picture her perfectly at times...she'd hold my hand and touch my face when she began to lose her eyesight from the tumor. I remember the day we found out she had Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. My mom knew something wasn't right because for a few weeks prior to that day, Brittany would be walking and would run into things as if she couldn't see where she was going. The tumor was located behind her right eye, thus causing partial blindness and difficulty in seeing. We were eating breakfast (I was only four when she became sick, but I remember it very clearly), and her nose began to bleed. My mom couldn't get it to stop, so after waiting at the hospital for what seemed like forever, we received the diagnosis.
I can hear her laughter, and the way she would cry and hold her stuffed animals when she had to get yet another shot. I can hear her singing along to It's a Small World off of our Disney record. I remember how much she loved hugging Jack, our black lab, and would giggle hysterically when he licked her face. She was so young, but others were quickly drawn to her because of her sweet spirit and contagious laughter.
I have a picture hanging in my room now of us in our old bedroom that we once shared. I am standing next to her holding her hand and she is swollen from all of the medication, undoubtedly in pain. Eventually she lost her sight completely, leaving her bedridden unless someone carried her from room to room. I've been told I rarely left her side after that. My mom has told me of the day Britt died. I was in a separate hospital from an allergic reaction to penicillin. The doctors from St. Mary's (where Britt was) called my mom to tell me it was me who passed away. Goodness! What a horrible mistake to make! Here my sister is dying of cancer and the doctors tell my mom that her other daughter (perfectly healthy besides the allergic reaction incident) had just passed away (!!). My mom had just left the hospital Brittany was in. She said she was smiling and laughing when she left. She passed away shortly after my mom arrived home. My last memory was of my biological father holding me up to see Brittany one last time at her funeral..
Some days I wonder how my life would be different if she were still living. What she would look like. If we would be close like we were when we were little. If she would be the one to stand up for me at my wedding. If she would be the one to console me if something was going on in my life and I needed a shoulder to cry on or words of encouragement. I'd like to think she would. My mom has dreams of her time to time. She says she sees her in heaven. Her hair is long; she's older (about my age); she's got her same smile where her eyes simply shine. My mom says she's in such peace. It comforts both of us knowing we'll be reunited with her in heaven again one day.
God works in such mysterious ways. I like to overanalyze things at times (almost always), and I believe He has allowed me to lose a sister so that I may be blessed with a family who is like my own blood. I have a wonderful mother, and although I've not seen my biological father since I was seven, God has brought into my life a father figure who has treated me no different than his own two sons. I have a great relationship with my mom and with my foster parents. How many people can actually say that?? I can't think of any at the moment. My foster parents took me into their home when Britt was sick so that my biological parents could travel up to Indianapolis for Britt's cancer treatment at Riley's. That's all I've known my whole life. Going back and forth in between families every week while I was growing up. When Britt passed away, I continued to see my foster family. I was never actually adopted in the legal sense, but it was always less confusing to me and others to explain how I had two families that weren't the result of a divorce. It's true that no one will ever be able to take Brittany's place in my heart, but I've been blessed with women in my life who've become like sisters to me. I can rejoice in the fact that in my life, when God has taken away, He has also given much in return.
It saddens me when I think about how my sister's life was cut so short. How precious human life is! If you think about it, we're really only here for a short amount of time. It makes me question my own life. Am I living my life in a manner that will cause me to be remembered as someone who loved freely and completely? As someone who lifted people up instead of tearing them down? By the grace of God, I hope to live in this manner. Brittany's life, however short, has allowed me to keep my own life in perspective. When I feel like the world is completely against me and nothing is going the way I had planned it, I remember that I still have breath in me. I have an opportunity to make a difference here. I have wonderful people in my life and God has been incredibly merciful to me in more ways than one! How this puts things in a whole new light...
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