Restless.

Um. Sooo I really don't like my job. I hate crunching numbers. I hate accounting. I like the people I work with but I just do not want to stay here any longer than I have to. I feel like it's sucking the life out of me. My dream job is still a Master's degree away. Please, please God help me stick it out. I may just start looking for something else. I've been here for 3 years. I've put in time, have learned a lot and have been stretched outside of my comfort zone. I'm grateful to even have a job, I fully and wholeheartedly acknowledge that I'm very fortunate and that many would give anything to have a good-paying job with the way things have been in our econonmy.

Not sure if this funk I'm in has anything to do with the way I've been feeling since the wreck. I'm more irritable, having a harder time sleeping and staying asleep at night, and the first two weeks following the accident, I did nothing but cry and want to sleep. Can anyone relate? Is it all just in my mind or is this just a phase...or what?? Is God trying to get my attention to tell me it's time for a new chapter to begin? Feeling restless isn't always a fun feeling. I'd rather be anything but restless! On Sunday evening as I was driving to Kinko's, I just had to scream in my car. I'm sure I probably sounded like a lunatic.

The accident has caused me to take a good, long look at everything in my life. What things can I change? What can I not change and only need to trust God to change it? So many questions. I'm aware of my need to pray for wisdom, of which I've been doing for as long as I can remember. I'm aware of my need to be joyful, because I'm saved by grace through faith. I desire to live out II Corinthians 12:9 which reads, "My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness." Regardless of my questions, my restlessness, my hurt, my mistakes, I (we) serve a good and gracious God. He won't fail me (us).

So. My first step: Call on Him. Second: Trust His leading. And, most importantly, move forward with a thankful heart, for He does not make mistakes.

Modern-day Miracle

Around midnight on February 13th, as I was down in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee visiting for the weekend, the SUV a friend of mine was driving, slid off of an embankment while we were on a mountain looking for our lodging. It's a miracle neither one of us were seriously hurt. I sustained minor injuries, including a bump on the side of my head and jaw, a soft-tissue injury to my left ankle (that's still painful when touched and boasts a nice, big black & blue bruise), a swollen left knee and right wrist, and a bruised tail & pelvic bone.

In a panic, as soon as the SUV started to slide and go slowly towards the drop-off, I unbuckled my seat belt and opened the door, fully expecting to have one split seconds' worth of time to roll out of the vehicle before it went into the trees and over the side. No sooner did I make that decision did the vehicle turn horizontal down the hill, start towards the cliff, and flip. It ejected me up and over the vehicle. All I remember hitting was the side of my head. In the few seconds before I hit the ground, all I remember thinking was, "Am I gonna die?" And, "Is this going to hurt?"

When I landed on the ground, I was more than surprised when I could stand up and walk towards the road. My friend was able to get out of the upside-down vehicle and start towards me to help as we walked back up the hill towards more cabins, in shock of what had just happened. The headlights cast such an eery glow in the woods...it's been several times where that memory just replays in my mind. I thank God for His protection. And I don't take it lightly!

I was urged to stay at a nearby cabin with some friendly strangers while help to get me down the mountain and to a hospital arrived. We were taken to the ER by a nice, local couple who had chains on their truck's tires. I got to the ER around 1 A.M. and had a cat-scan and five x-rays done; I finally got to leave around 6:30 A.M.

It was by-far the scariest thing I've ever experienced; as well as the biggest display of God's protection and love for me. I'm still dealing with emotional affects from the accident but I'm praying and talking through them with God and with people who care for me. This accident is proof to me that modern-day miracles do indeed occur.

My Lonely Journey.

I know it's for a reason. I know God's promises to His children are 'Yes' and 'Amen'. I have faith for my closest friends who are walking through life as a single (not married). Once again, I'm fighting off my fears of never being married and having a family. It's something I've dreamed about as long as I can remember. My ex-husband pretty much robbed me of that in my mid-to-late twenties. But, hey, the marriage was anything but happy and healthy....so I am grateful that God worked out the situation for my good: No children with a man I really wanted to move on from after all of the hurt he afflicted upon my heart (as well as upon the hearts of those who love me) and life. His divorcing me seems like so many chapters ago. Almost surreal to think about that time in my life now.

I'd like to think I trust God. I'd like to think that after all of the battles He's fought for me and won that I'd be able align my head with my heart and trust Him with everything that I am. I guess I'm admitting that my trust in His promises for me in this one area is hugely marred. Singleness. I read about and know dozens of real-life stories about people who have waited for their spouse and have not been found wanting. My story could be heard by others one day and bring hope, right??

I am especially overjoyed for both of my brothers. My eldest brother just got engaged this week; my second eldest brother just recently welcomed his first child into the world, only 22 days ago. She's beautiful and such a miracle baby! Maybe it's all of this, coupled with the fact that it's the Christmas season, that makes the realization of my single hood all the more raw to my heart. I want to be on someones mind. Is that selfish? Maybe. But, I'm just being honest.

I was dating someone who travels a lot for work. We made the decision this morning to take a step back and just be friends until he is home ported back here at home once more. Distance would inevitably take a toll on a new relationship. His name has been on the waiting list for quite some time....so there's no telling when this could occur.

I appreciate that: "Everything happens for a reason," and that, "It's in God's timing." Believe me, that seems to be my mantra. This isn't necessarily a 'woe is me' or a pity-party. It's just that my heart is screaming out for something real to come before I completely give up or bitterness consumes me.

I'm just tired of being let down. It's like my own personal hell. Frankly, maybe it would be easier if I just acted like it didn't bother me so much. Then I could live without expectation of finding the man God has for me, and I won't be disillusioned into thinking that he's just 'right around the corner,' as everyone loves to tell me.

Praying for peace. Praying for grace. Praying my patience doesn't give way to despondency. That would be a new hell all in itself.

*chuckle*

(This is my pup, Spike.)

My sweet niece.

I'm an Auntie!! My niece, Ashlyn Grace, was born at 4:56 p.m., December 1, 2009. She was 7lbs 21 oz. and 21". It's pretty neat how God has created us to love. When we love others, including our Lord, we wonder if we could ever have room in our hearts to love even one more....amazingly, there's always room; it pleased God to make it so....

I haven't even met her yet, and won't get to for another ten days, but I already love her. My promise is to lift her up in prayer every day that I have breath in me. I've seen the power of prayer in my own life. I know she will grow up to be an amazing woman of God, and I cannot wait to see the Lord work in her life!