Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Tornado


I was with a large group of people that I knew, although in the dream they were no one that I could pinpoint exactly. I do remember one of them took on the role as my husband, and his personality was like that of my ex-husband, Jason. Outside, it was sunny and warm, most definitely too beautiful to be threatened with a tornado in the area. We were all in the kitchen cooking and then knew we had to take cover. We went into the basement. I looked around the room trying to find a safe place to hide. Several people just sat down to wait out the storm. Also, there were two small dogs that were pacing back and forth toward one side of the room. I was not familiar with either animal. I didn’t feel safe in the basement. I looked to one side of the room and discovered that two openings to the outside were open; sunshine was pouring in, but I knew the ‘Giant’ (tornado) was right outside and wanting to find me. These weren’t normal doors, though. They were like gates that had different levers and locks that I spent several minutes completely closing, and even then it was apparent that they were just gates, not solid doors; the tornado could easily get to us through them.

Hurriedly, I and about three others, my ‘husband’ included, went searching for a better place to run and hide. We opened what appeared to be a closet door that was full of chairs and lots of miscellaneous items. This wasn’t enough. So I pulled open another door inside the closet and walked in to what appeared to be an abandoned room that used to be very well-maintained and used. It went very far back and the single light that shone in the room revealed dusty, old furniture. One of the persons I was with said that it appeared to be a children’s room at one point. There were worn-down toys and such that had thick coatings of dust and dirt on them. It was obvious this room had become neglected.

When I was growing up, through most of my adolescent years, I’d have dreams every single night of tornadoes that would take the form of a giant that I was always running from. Last night was the first time in a long time that I had almost the same dream again. I woke up once at 4:24 a.m. and when I did go back to sleep, I had another dream of a tornado. Both, as they almost always were, were very vivid. I could remember every little detail; down to the colors around me. Upon waking, I felt a bit sad, and unnerved. They both stayed with me and I asked God to give me wisdom regarding these dreams, and this is what I began to understand about the first one:

The tornado represented the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit, when He comes, brings about change. Sometimes the change seems painful and unnecessary. A lot of times, even we as God’s own people wrestle with Him when He shows us the true nature of our hearts. We resort to old, comfortable habits and ways that seem safe, easy, and may be something we’re used to, never mind that they’re essentially bad and/or dangerous for us. We tend to look at our own problems through a microscope while, to God, the patterns of sin can be huge obstacles for healing and wholeness in our lives. He seeks to remove those things; to lend us His grace (represented by the sunshine outside), and show us the road to redemption and salvation. The Gate represented my own measly (ha!) attempt to keep God from entering into the depths of my heart and having His way. Whether I fight it or not, sooner or later, His Will will be done. The Closet, and better yet, the Deeper Room, represented my old ways of thinking; habits and sin patterns that still kept me bound; they were familiar and, therefore, comfortable to me. Though it was dark, gloomy, and hidden in there, I felt ‘safe’ from the tornado outside that threatened to find and, ultimately, free me. In my dream, I saw it as frightening. My death would be the end result and I felt helpless to stop it. The two dogs represented restlessness and agitation. Those both describe a couple of the emotions I’ve been experiencing in very recent times.

I think sometimes I know what is best for me. I have a timeline for my life. I want a family, I want to finish school, to counsel and lead a ‘charmed’ life (at least one where I feel fulfilled). There are things in my heart that God has wanted to deal with. I’ve, in my own strength, tried to change these things on my own. Still more are thought patterns that I’ve become complacent in. Maybe I’ve become too lazy or even prideful to care. I know this attitude is just my flesh rising up over God's Spirit in me; I know the best path is to entrust my entire being in His hands, whether it means being completely uncomfortable with what he reveals to me or actually enjoying the process of going through as I continue to grow in my faith.

For God speaketh once, yea twice, yet man perceiveth it not. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falleth upon men, in slumberings upon the bed; Then He openeth the ears of men, and sealeth their instruction, That He may withdraw man from his purpose, and hide pride from man. He keepeth back his soul from the pit, and his life from perishing by the sword (Job 33:14-18, emphasis mine).


Dreams reveal but do not condemn. Their goal is to preserve life, not to destroy it (Job 33:13-18).


Thank you, Lord, for speaking to me. Please continue to have your way. May my pride and selfish ways not hinder the working of your hand in my life. My prayer is to fully surrender all that I am and all that You have called me to be. Please continue also to give me wisdom and revelation regarding the second dream so that my heart may know more about what you would have me to understand and learn from.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Psalm 42


Psalm 42

1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and 6 my God.
My [c] soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

8 By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

9 I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

10 My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Restless.



Um. Sooo I really don't like my job. I hate crunching numbers. I hate accounting. I like the people I work with but I just do not want to stay here any longer than I have to. I feel like it's sucking the life out of me. My dream job is still a Master's degree away. Please, please God help me stick it out. I may just start looking for something else. I've been here for 3 years. I've put in time, have learned a lot and have been stretched outside of my comfort zone. I'm grateful to even have a job, I fully and wholeheartedly acknowledge that I'm very fortunate and that many would give anything to have a good-paying job with the way things have been in our econonmy.

Not sure if this funk I'm in has anything to do with the way I've been feeling since the wreck. I'm more irritable, having a harder time sleeping and staying asleep at night, and the first two weeks following the accident, I did nothing but cry and want to sleep. Can anyone relate? Is it all just in my mind or is this just a phase...or what?? Is God trying to get my attention to tell me it's time for a new chapter to begin? Feeling restless isn't always a fun feeling. I'd rather be anything but restless! On Sunday evening as I was driving to Kinko's, I just had to scream in my car. I'm sure I probably sounded like a lunatic.

The accident has caused me to take a good, long look at everything in my life. What things can I change? What can I not change and only need to trust God to change it? So many questions. I'm aware of my need to pray for wisdom, of which I've been doing for as long as I can remember. I'm aware of my need to be joyful, because I'm saved by grace through faith. I desire to live out II Corinthians 12:9 which reads, "My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness." Regardless of my questions, my restlessness, my hurt, my mistakes, I (we) serve a good and gracious God. He won't fail me (us).

So. My first step: Call on Him. Second: Trust His leading. And, most importantly, move forward with a thankful heart, for He does not make mistakes.