Psalm 84

My favorite chapter of the Bible...

1) How lovely is your dwelling place,
O Lord Almighty!
2) My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the Living God.

5) Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.

7) They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.

8) Hear my prayer, O Lord God Almighty;
listen to me, O God of Jacob.
9) Look upon our shield, O God;
look with favor upon your anointed one.

10) Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the
house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

11) For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.

12) O Lord Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you.

Captivated part II.

When I look into the mountains, I see Your fame,
when I look into the night sky, it sparkles Your name

the wind in the clouds and the blue in the sky,
the sun and the moon and the stars so high
that's what draws me to You


I am, I'm captivated by You
(You know that You do)
I am, I'm captivated

when I wake unto the morning, it gives me Your sights,
when I look across the ocean, it echoes Your mights

the sand on the shore and the waves in the sea,
the air in my lungs and the way You made me
that's what draws me to You

I am, I'm captivated by You
(You know that You do)
I am, I'm captivated

the wind in the clouds and the blue in the sky,
the sun and the moon and the stars so high,
the sand on the shore and the waves in the sea,
the air in my lungs and the way You made me,

the blood in my veins and my heart You invade,
the plants how they grow and the trees in the shade,
the way that I feel and the love in my soul,
I thank You my God for letting me know

I am, I'm captivated by You
(You know that You do)
I am, I'm captivated

I am, I'm captivated by You
(You know that You do)
I am, I'm captivated

~Captivated by Shawn McDonald

Another look.

I've been in a very reflective mood as of late. There have been some changes taking place in my life and it always helps to get my thoughts down on 'paper', thus allowing myself to process everything taking place. Change is very good for me, I've come to notice. It can be painful while it's happening, but the after effect can be very rewarding if I allow it to positively influence my life.

Another birthday has come and gone. What with November being such a tremendously busy month, I hadn't had the time to post any new blogs in several weeks. A few different topics were constantly going through my mind and I actually couldn't wait to sit down and regurgitate my thoughts. Last night at small group, we talked about Discipleship & Leadership, which is chapter six of the Purple Book , our study guide throughout the last couple of months. While we use some of our time together to just open up and talk about personal issues, God uses that time as a way for us to see one another's struggles and victories and come alongside to strengthen and encourage the body of Christ. There were a few who've dealt with many physical ailments and have become strengthened in their faith because of it. It got me to thinking: I've had no physical 'battles' to fight. I've broken one finger and have never been hospitalized or have never had surgery. I've been blessed by that.

But, I've dealt with loss. Death, divorce, abuse, heartache. When it comes to emotional pain, you name it, I've faced it. I don't say any of this in order to have a pity party for myself or for even one ounce of solace. I've had people cry with me, for me, because of me...but I do believe that I've been given an immeasurable amount of grace and faith by God that will allow me to be an influence on others experiencing the things I have. Reading through my past blogs keeps me from having to delve into the same things over and over..and if you know me very well, you already know the majority of situations I'm talking about.

My (biological) mom and I were talking the other night about Bruce (my biological father, whom I haven't seen since I was 7) and what he may be up to. It's funny, but I sometimes forget that there's a huge side of my 'family' that I haven't seen in years. Anyways, I realize more and more that she still feels guilty for a lot of the things that happened to me when I was younger. I know she was (clinically) depressed and had been emotionally and physically abused by Bruce. I know that when she'd take her anger out on me that it was the only way she knew how to respond to her own pain. I know that I still, to this day, have to pray over our relationship and my heart towards her. I love her, but in my humanness it's hard to completely let go of the hurt that she caused me. I'm very thankful that God is continuing to change me.

I talked with (via e-mail) my ex-husband last Friday. He had some paperwork he needed from me. Immediately after seeing his name in my inbox, I was surprisingly angry with him for even contacting me. It had been almost a year since I've had any connection with him whatsoever. After a day or so, I realized that I had acted out of the flesh. If I believe that I've forgiven him completely, why would I be angry with him instead of looking at it as a chance to plant another seed of God's love in his life?? Soo, I spoke with him this week as well (via e-mail) and we did, in essence, say our goodbye's and it was such a relief to know there are no ill-feelings in my heart. I don't miss him. I love him but it doesn't go beyond just seeing him as God's child. I pray for his salvation daily and believe that he will accept Christ. Of that, I've not given up hope.

Other relationships of late have tested my faith. When I thought I knew God's plan for me re: this area of my life, I've been wrong. Wrong time, wrong person....not sure. But every time, I know God uses those 'opportunities' to draw me closer to Him and farther away from my selfish goals and wrong attitudes. Man..I've still got a long way to go. I'm noticing more and more how my first reaction to heartache is a self-pity attitude. I can easily, in the flesh, hit 'replay' and begin to feel sorry for myself.
"Why did I lose my sister?"
"Why did I not have a relationship with my (biological) father?"
"Why did people close to me tell me they wish I were never born?"
"Why did my husband....."
It's all old news. I'm over it. To whom much is given, much is required. I've been blessed beyond measure. God has used emotional pain to show me my need of HIM. I can't stop trusting people. What a miserable person I would be! Thank God He allowed me to go through these things. Thank God He never left my side when everyone in the world had. Thank God He knows just how much I can take...and He continues to stretch and mold and bend me...until just when I think I'm going to break....

Psalm 30: 11,12

God, give me the grace and wisdom to nurture, love, and encompass joy the way that You so freely do. Help me to learn from the pain and be better, not bitter. Allow me to reflect you in every relationship and redeem any that are broken. With You, there is hope. I believe that my past doesn't define me. I can't change what has taken place in my life but I can change how I view it. Let me see the goodness in others the way that You do.