Why..
Why are you still here...with me?
Didn't you see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run...
...and hide myself.
But it's here I see the truth...
I don't deserve you.
But I need you to love me, and I,
I won't keep my heart from you this time.
And I'll stop this pretending that I can..
somehow deserve what I already have.
I need you to love me.
I, I have wasted so much time
pushing you away from me.
I just never saw how you...
could *cherish* me.
Cause you're a God who has all things..
and still you want me.
And I need you to love me, and I,
I won't keep my heart from you this time.
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
somehow deserve what I already have.
Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been...
And I need you to love me..
I need you to love me...
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
somehow deserve what I already have...
I need you to love me.
I need you to..
love me.
~by Barlow Girl
The blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin.
I John 1:7
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
Captivated.
Being broken allows me to draw upon the only strength I've ever known. I am incomplete on my own. I can do nothing without God in my life. Things begin to fall apart if I'm unconnected to the Vine (John 15:5). With Him, I'm able to keep my head up, be an encourager, enjoy the mundane things, and He keeps me humble. One of my favorite songs right now is about not being 'alright'...being broken because in those feelings of helplessness, we are called ever so gently to come to the Saviour. He's strong and full of compassion. I was wonderfully made by Him to enjoy fellowship with Him. He absolutely captivates me...sometimes to the point where I just cannot speak. Anyone who knows me knows I love to talk, yet when I'm face to face with Him, I'm just in absolute awe, and words don't seem to do Him justice. How can Someone so perfect love someone so imperfect? How does He see me? Through the eyes of Jesus, of course. Does my heart really grasp what that looks like? I'm hungry to know His heart..what it truly cost to lay down His life for me...
to be continued...
to be continued...
Friday, September 7, 2007
Meet Spike!
Here's a pic. of the new 'man of the house', lol! He's coming home tomorrow (Saturday) and I'm so excited I could just spit! Hahaha...I'm sure there'll be interesting blogs to post about my first pet and his antics. MinPins have a habit of 'ruling with a tiny iron paw'. Oughta be interesting, to say the least. :)
Late night talks.
Who doesn't enjoy opening up and pouring their heart out to someone who is a great listener? Someone who cries with you when your world is crazy-hectic and threatening to throw you into an early mid-life crisis (I think mine has already begun in my late 20's). I'm grateful because I believe I'm doing a little better now than I was last week. Maybe it's just the coffee talking....who knows.
I've been able to wake up the last few mornings and feel really good about my life, although nothing outrageous has happened since my last post to make me feel any different about my circumstances. Don't get me wrong, I have so many wonderful things to be thankful for. It's enough to make me start crying (with joy, of course) :) . But, up until very recently, I thought there were very few things in my life going right. I've been in a battle of some sort with myself and with God (gasp!) about the direction my life seems to be heading in. Is my job right? Is my heart open to change and unpredictable situations that God allows in my life..? Am I being 'salt' to a thirsty world? Sooo, welcome! Here, friends, is my thought process at the moment: I find that I can sometimes go a few days without really seeking God. Then things begin happening..I get irritable, I cry at the drop of a hat, I begin to have a pity-party for myself (and the only person present is the guest-of-honor) and I'll wonder what my future is going to look like...who I'll marry...you get the gist. I begin to think, "What about me?? Has God forgotten where I live?" This is a self-centered approach to life and a complete waste of time, if you ask me.
I can't tell you that I have my life figured out in just a matter of days or anything. It's pretty much the exact opposite. Sometimes I change my outfit four or five times in one morning before work. I'm indecisive 99% of the time (or is it 89%?), so maybe by tomorrow my perspective will change and I'll think I really do have everything figured out. *sigh* Last week I was dealing with a plethora of thought processes that had me feeling pretty hopeless and completely strung out. I don't know how or when it began, but I felt myself being bothered by the most insignificant of circumstances. My time in the Word became lesser and lesser as the week went on, my prayer life seemed powerless, and I became pessimistic about everything. Grrr. Ever want to just yell and not stop? Like smiling was something you were doing on the outside, but your spirit was being crushed, and nothing could keep you from spiraling downward...yeah, that was me. I cried a lot last Sunday. I just couldn't stop. I was missing someone, and I believe that although I have been praying for God to remove that hurt from my heart, He allowed it because He knew it would ultimately draw me closer to Him. That's why He's God. He knows what He's doing. *deep sigh*
I've talked with other very close girlfriends about these same things just two nights ago and last night. The conversations weren't even focused on what was going on in my life and why I've been at the end of my rope, hanging on by a thread. It encourages me to hear when other people have the same desires, same disappointments, and same struggles as I do. I don't rejoice in other people's struggles or anything, but I rejoice in the fact that I'm not alone in carrying my burdens. I am uplifted when I know someone is praying specifically re: particular areas in my life, just as they are encouraged knowing I'm praying for them. My heart aches when I see people I care about hurting emotionally. When I think about that, I realize that if I cry when my friends cry, hurt when they hurt, and I'm human...imagine how God responds to me when I'm hurting and I turn to Him for solace. What a revelation that is! Jesus is such a great listener, especially late at night when my mind is racing..
This week hasn't been anything short of just allowing God to have His way in my heart; laying my pride aside and showing others my weaknesses, and God showing me that there are people struggling with the same things as I am. I've been in commune with God a little more throughout the day this week as well, which is another reason my spirits have been lifted. Renewing my mind by the Word of God is far better medicine for my soul than anything I could ever find in a drugstore or bar. Believe me, I've tasted of that (empty) life and thankfully I have no desire to return to it. By the grace of God I never will. What does it all boil down to? Just being real, I think. Being real with God about your hurts, your hopes, and your deepest desires, and believing He has all of His attention on you at that very moment! As if you're the only person pouring out your heart to Him. Opening up to others who can support you with prayer and encouragement helps tremendously as well. It's comforting to have someone there late at night to talk to about, well, life! That 'someone' could be a close friend, or God Himself. My 'issues' with myself and my life don't seem quite so foreboding when I speak with Him each day, and share those things with others in my life. God's grace is more than enough..
I've been able to wake up the last few mornings and feel really good about my life, although nothing outrageous has happened since my last post to make me feel any different about my circumstances. Don't get me wrong, I have so many wonderful things to be thankful for. It's enough to make me start crying (with joy, of course) :) . But, up until very recently, I thought there were very few things in my life going right. I've been in a battle of some sort with myself and with God (gasp!) about the direction my life seems to be heading in. Is my job right? Is my heart open to change and unpredictable situations that God allows in my life..? Am I being 'salt' to a thirsty world? Sooo, welcome! Here, friends, is my thought process at the moment: I find that I can sometimes go a few days without really seeking God. Then things begin happening..I get irritable, I cry at the drop of a hat, I begin to have a pity-party for myself (and the only person present is the guest-of-honor) and I'll wonder what my future is going to look like...who I'll marry...you get the gist. I begin to think, "What about me?? Has God forgotten where I live?" This is a self-centered approach to life and a complete waste of time, if you ask me.
I can't tell you that I have my life figured out in just a matter of days or anything. It's pretty much the exact opposite. Sometimes I change my outfit four or five times in one morning before work. I'm indecisive 99% of the time (or is it 89%?), so maybe by tomorrow my perspective will change and I'll think I really do have everything figured out. *sigh* Last week I was dealing with a plethora of thought processes that had me feeling pretty hopeless and completely strung out. I don't know how or when it began, but I felt myself being bothered by the most insignificant of circumstances. My time in the Word became lesser and lesser as the week went on, my prayer life seemed powerless, and I became pessimistic about everything. Grrr. Ever want to just yell and not stop? Like smiling was something you were doing on the outside, but your spirit was being crushed, and nothing could keep you from spiraling downward...yeah, that was me. I cried a lot last Sunday. I just couldn't stop. I was missing someone, and I believe that although I have been praying for God to remove that hurt from my heart, He allowed it because He knew it would ultimately draw me closer to Him. That's why He's God. He knows what He's doing. *deep sigh*
I've talked with other very close girlfriends about these same things just two nights ago and last night. The conversations weren't even focused on what was going on in my life and why I've been at the end of my rope, hanging on by a thread. It encourages me to hear when other people have the same desires, same disappointments, and same struggles as I do. I don't rejoice in other people's struggles or anything, but I rejoice in the fact that I'm not alone in carrying my burdens. I am uplifted when I know someone is praying specifically re: particular areas in my life, just as they are encouraged knowing I'm praying for them. My heart aches when I see people I care about hurting emotionally. When I think about that, I realize that if I cry when my friends cry, hurt when they hurt, and I'm human...imagine how God responds to me when I'm hurting and I turn to Him for solace. What a revelation that is! Jesus is such a great listener, especially late at night when my mind is racing..
This week hasn't been anything short of just allowing God to have His way in my heart; laying my pride aside and showing others my weaknesses, and God showing me that there are people struggling with the same things as I am. I've been in commune with God a little more throughout the day this week as well, which is another reason my spirits have been lifted. Renewing my mind by the Word of God is far better medicine for my soul than anything I could ever find in a drugstore or bar. Believe me, I've tasted of that (empty) life and thankfully I have no desire to return to it. By the grace of God I never will. What does it all boil down to? Just being real, I think. Being real with God about your hurts, your hopes, and your deepest desires, and believing He has all of His attention on you at that very moment! As if you're the only person pouring out your heart to Him. Opening up to others who can support you with prayer and encouragement helps tremendously as well. It's comforting to have someone there late at night to talk to about, well, life! That 'someone' could be a close friend, or God Himself. My 'issues' with myself and my life don't seem quite so foreboding when I speak with Him each day, and share those things with others in my life. God's grace is more than enough..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)